Featured on @StorylineReddit: November 9, 2025
He cleared the stones from the backyard and stacked them carefully beside the garage. The toilets were still dirty. The package sat where she had left it.
Nothing explosive happened here. No betrayal, no slammed doors in the middle of the night. Just three undone chores and a comment about being treated “like a slave.”
She had spent three weeks at a therapeutic retreat with two small children ill, quarantined, contained in a small room. He had stayed home, worked his usual hours, drank with family on two weekends, and played games late into the night. On paper, both were busy.
The conflict didn’t begin with shouting. It surfaced in the gap between what was asked and what was chosen instead. And in that gap sat something neither of them had fully named.
This conflict turns less on the tasks themselves and more on what their absence exposed. The couple had long operated within a division of labor that seemed functional: he handled morning routines and bedtime; she carried the planning, coordination, and most domestic upkeep. It worked—until she stepped away.
During her three-week retreat with the children, she requested three specific chores. None were completed. He directed his energy toward other projects he personally prioritized. When she returned and confronted him, he framed her reaction as ingratitude and poor communication. She experienced the omissions as disregard.
The argument escalated in increments. A reminder. A justification. A sharper exchange. At one point she said she wished she had not come back.
Afterward, they attempted structural repair: separate bedrooms for a period, a detailed weekly task plan, designated personal time. Tensions eased. He began taking more initiative. She tried to address concerns without escalating. The system shifted, though not evenly.
Some responsibilities remain where they were.
Text Version
AITA for telling my Husband that I didn’t want to come home after coming back from a health resort with the 2 kids, while he didn’t do anything?
CONCLUDED
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/justmitsu
Originally posted to r/AITAH
AITA for telling my Husband that I didn’t want to come home after coming back from a health resort with the 2 kids, while he didn’t do anything?
Thanks to u/soayherder + u/queenlegolas + u/Lynavi for suggesting this BoRU
Trigger Warnings: weaponized incompetence, possible mental health struggles
Mood Spoilers: frustrating, but positive at the end
Original Post: November 28, 2024
Hi, so I (27F) and my husband (33M) we are married for 7 years already. We got 2 kids (a girl 3 and boy 5). He works for 40 Hours a week while I work 32 hours a week. He dresses them and brings them to childcare and makes them ready for bed and puts them to sleep. I do the household, cooking, laundry (he helpes me from time to time but only if I ask). He goes with the dog in the morning and I go in the evening.
It was always like that, and I never had any issues so far, till I went to a therapeutic center with our 2 kids for 3 full weeks. In the time I was gone, I asked him to do 3 normal chores. Cleaning the toilet, sending a packet back, and cleaning the laundry in our kids’ room. He did nothing of that. I flipped and went mad, and he said he did so many things like cleaning out the garden from stones, even though they would be collected in Jaunary. So his work wasn’t necessary. He told me I should appreciate that he does household stuff and it’s my own fault I went to a therapeutic center I could stay with the kids and he could’ve take care of the kids like always. He told me I suck at communicating because I’m sick of it, telling him what to do. After a few arguments, I flipped and basically told him I’d rather didn’t come back home. Because now he went on a work trip and I’m now alone with the Kids and need to clean up after the 3 weeks.
Now the question AITA and what should I do after he comes back?
Edit: I’m not a native speaking American and thought that health resort is the term what we use in Germany as “Mutter-Kind-Kur”. I changed that. I went to a therapeutic retreat because of overload with everything.
AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received mixed reactions, but heavily leaning toward NTA
Editor’s note: posting a comment to help clarify what OOP was trying to explain about the therapeutic center
Commenter: OP are you in Germany? And was this a Mutter-Kind Kur? Because people are going to see the word resort and be frothing at the mouth. If it is that, you might want to expand on the concept so people can understand that it’s not a resort in the sense they’re thinking of, it’s more like parent rehab for moms who are at the end of their tether. There’s lot of different kinds but they’re usually out in quiet, rural areas, you have individual therapy as well as group therapy and even family therapy, they have childcare for the times you need to do adult stuff etc. there can also be spa like things as well to help with stress management.
As an example I had a friend who went to one of these because one of her kids had horrendous allergies as a baby and they couldn’t figure out what was going on, he didn’t sleep, was covered in rashes all the time and she had 4 other kids to take care of. This place specialized in children like her son so they not only figured out what was going on with him, but she got help for the stress she’d been under not sleeping, taking him back and forth to the hospital and taking care of her other kids. All in a relaxing and controlled environment with lots of professionals around.
Some of the Relevant Comments
OOP responds to a downvoted comment regarding her husband can do whatever he can choose for himself to do the chores at home
OOP: I can understand your point if I wanted him to do things that aren’t necessary. But he had full 22 days for doing things that need to be done. And in these 22 days, he worked normally, on 2 weekends he drank with family and the remaining time he sat there and just played on the PC some games.
Do you know how long it took to me to scrub the toilets? The packet can’t be returned anymore and I’m overloaded with normal household stuff because it’s now more after the 3 weeks.
Commenter 1: So you had a 3 week holiday and came home to give him shit for not doing chores that make no difference.
Congrats on being the world’s most self-centered AH
OOP: I don’t know if 3 weeks with 2 kids in a small room for 24/7 can be considered a holiday while I went to recover. Kids and me are Ill since 2 weeks, I couldn’t leave the room because of 3 days quarantine. While he is at home drinks for 2 days, does his normal work and spends most time before the PC. I guess he had more of a holiday then me 🙂 and asking him for 3 simple tasks was to much I guess.
OOP’s reason for needing to attend a therapeutic center
OOP: Work overload, Kids overload because they hate each other, family overload which lives nearby and some small mental issues which grew over the years.
You either take the kids with you or leave them at home. He wanted to work and said I should take the kids with me, so ye I couldn’t really recover but I could form a better bond between me and my kids. Since I had more time with them and no work.
OOP gives examples of the childcare
OOP: The kids dress themselves, I pick out the clothes for childcare because he would dress them to lightly in this weather. They dress themselves at bedtime he brushes their teeth and reads a bedtime story that’s it. I pick them from childcare, I go grocery shopping with the kids, I go with the oldest one every Friday to soccer. Every Wednesday I bring the 3y old to music school. I try to play with them after doing our household.
OOP on telling her husband the simple chores he could have done
OOP: I told him the things I want to be done in the time I’m gone, he did nothing and pretty much said I shouldn’t treat him like a slave just because I asked for couple of things. But he also said I should tell him if I need help and he will do it .. so ye I’m mentally pretty down
OOP responds to a comment regarding her husband’s mental load
OOP: I do know that he also has his mental load, and we already had some fights. I made the post so that everyone can judge me their way. In his eyes he does everything and I do the stuff what’s needed to do.
Why should I value work that everyone needs to do? Like cleaning out the laundry, cleaning the toilet? I also don’t get a shoulder pat every time or a thank you that I did it. Its a necessity for a clean home. If we divorce he needs to keep it clean or he wouldn’t get our kids. And in the 3 weeks I was gone I only saw that he could play videogames till 3 or 4 but doing small stuff was to much for him and he lashed out on me that I treat him like a slave just because of a bare minimum he can’t even provide with.
And the stones would be cleared out anyways in January, he just moved it from our backyard to our front yard next to the garage.
Did OOP’s husband have to do other tasks? What about the priorities?
OOP: He at least vacuumed every now and then. I never said his priorities were wrong, but moving the stones from the garden to the front garden doesn’t make sense, since, as already mentioned, they will be picked up in January.
There were enough days when he played video games until 3 or 4 a.m., because he was also online on WhatsApp during that time. This isn’t the first time he’s had strange priorities. He enjoys tinkering with PCs, and there were often times when, just before evening, when the kids need to go to bed, he suddenly starts taking a PC apart. So, when I’m putting the kids to bed, he gets upset because he would’ve done it right away.
He could do it at the evening when the kids are asleep. We had alot of arguments already regarding this, but it got better for few weeks and then it got worse.
He had no other task. I never asked him to clean our entire home. Just these 3 specific tasks. I know he never cleans the entire 2 bathrooms, windows etc. I would have done everything when I came back, and doing the other tasks would’ve helped me out with my workload.
I didnt explain the entire convo. we had but basically he told me I shouldn’t come back with such an attitude, I was really mad. And just replied: Ye, I’d rather didn’t come back.
Update: October 15, 2025 (10.5 months later)
Update: AITA for telling my Husband that I didn’t want to come Home after coming from a health reasort with the 2 kids, while he didn’t do anything?
Hi,
its about this post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/KkosZVAr7I
So after a year I just wanted to share what happened and how its now going.
After he came back from his business trip, he brought me flowers and chocolate. We sat down together, and I openly addressed all the issues that had been eating away at me over the past few years. He also brought up the things that had bothered him.
I also told him that if we didn’t work on our relationship, separation would be my only option, and that if he didn’t improve his attitude toward hygiene, I wouldn’t want the children to stay with him if we separated. He was immediately very eager and wanted us to get to work on things right away.
So we allowed ourselves a “quiet phase” for two months. We lived in the same house but slept in separate bedrooms. We also set up a detailed plan for each week about who would do what, and each of us got our own free time while the other took care of the kids.
I have to say, it’s only been going uphill since then. We haven’t argued as much, and if we did, it was only about minor things. There were no big fights anymore. He really started to take care of the things that had bothered me and now takes his own initiative around the house. I hardly have to tell him anything anymore. Of course, some things have stayed the same, and I still clean some things myself because he simply doesn’t see those as a priority.
But I’m glad that in the end, things turned out well.
Thank you for all the kind messages from the previous thread! Many of them really made me laugh and sweetened my day. It definitely made that time a lot more bearable.
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: It’s good he made changes after your discussion. But have you made changes, about issues that he said bothered him?
It’s good that you are both communicating better, keep it up.
OOP: Most of the issues he had about me resulted in the way he acted.
He said he hates that I nag him if things don’t get done. And I only start to nag after the third day if I asked him to do something.
He also hates it that I get mad over small things, and I only get mad because these same small things happend daily in the past years.
The biggest problem I have is when things escalate badly and I shut down because of it, ignoring him for several days. But that has actually gotten better and hasn’t happened again. Now I try to talk things through completely, even though he’s usually pretty set in his opinion.
OOP on working on her issues with her husband together and how to get things done without each other bothering about it
OOP: No, I didn’t feel like you were calling me out. I just wanted to clarify things. In the end, I’m only telling my side of the story, he might feel completely different about it. He can’t really speak for himself in this situation.
I think that was also the biggest issue in our relationship. He and I had very different priorities. What frustrated me most was always having to think for everyone else, and that ultimately caused things to escalate. I had to plan all the birthdays, take care of the vacation plans, handle all the paperwork, manage kindergarten arrangements, organize playdates, manage the household, take care of the pets (buying food, giving medication) and when you’re doing everything and ask your partner to handle just one small thing, and it still doesn’t get done after three weeks, it just feels like a slap in the face. It honestly felt more like living with a third child than with another adult.
I’m glad things are working better now. Of course, I still take care of most of the tasks, but he’s starting to do a lot on his own without me having to ask. He’s learning to put his priorities aside more often, and I’m trying not to nag as much, instead, I focus on talking calmly and explaining things to him.
OOP on what rule she made after the original post and how she and her husband decide on this
OOP: We set ourself a rule that we will talk daily about our life and our feelings. We also ate together as a family atleast 2 times a week. But other than that no, we just did stuff for ourself and with the kids.
Commenter 2: Communication is king in a relationship. If someone doesn’t want to work on communication, they probably aren’t interested in the relationship. I’m glad you and your husband were.
Source
In homes with young children, labor splits into what is visible and what runs quietly in the background. One person executes routines. The other anticipates them. That difference often goes unnoticed until someone leaves.
For three weeks, she was technically “away,” but not unoccupied. Two children. Illness. Quarantine. Therapy sessions layered between meals and bedtime. Meanwhile, he worked his schedule. Vacuumed occasionally. Moved stones from one side of the yard to the other. Stayed up late online. The toilets remained as they were.
Escalation built slowly. She asked. He deferred. She reminded. He explained that he had done “so many things.” She pointed out that none of the requested ones were among them. He said he would help if she asked. She had already asked.
Then the argument sharpened. He accused her of treating him like a subordinate. She said she would rather not have come home. The sentence landed and stayed there.
When he returned from his work trip with flowers and chocolate, they sat down and talked. Separate bedrooms followed. A written weekly plan. Scheduled free time. They began eating together as a family at least twice a week. They talked daily. Some nights were quieter.
Improvement came in increments. He started doing more without being prompted. She tried not to escalate when small things slipped. Still, she manages most of the coordination. Birthdays. Paperwork. Appointments. The background list.
Whether initiative born from ultimatum becomes habit or simply compliance is not fully clear.
The stones are still by the garage.