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She found it in a quiet, ordinary gap of the morning.
Breakfast half-finished. His running shoes by the door. A different browser window, opened carefully so she wouldn’t disturb his tabs. The blog was already there. A photo of her grandmother’s shop. Entry after entry. The tone didn’t require interpretation.
For four years, she believed they had worked out the difference between them. He didn’t share her spirituality; she didn’t demand that he. She kept her altar mostly out of sight. He showed up at the store with lunch. They moved through their days without friction, or so it seemed.
There’s a distance between not believing in something and performing disbelief for an audience.
This isn’t about candles, or saints, or whether logic should govern faith. It’s about what it feels like to realize that someone has been narrating you elsewhere. And that the version of you they’ve been offering up is smaller.
The rupture here isn’t sparked by a theological argument. It begins with a split in reality.
She runs a botanica inherited from her grandmother cultural, spiritual, and financially stable. He works in tech, does not share her beliefs, but has presented himself as supportive. He visits the shop, brings lunch, asks about her day. Their lives appear integrated, even if their convictions aren’t.
What she discovers is that he has been maintaining a blog for two years mocking the shop its products, its customers, and the specific figure she keeps on a small home altar. The blog includes a clear photo of the storefront and an audience that ridicules her as irrational. It isn’t an anonymous diary; it’s commentary performed outward.
When she confronts him, the conversation shifts quickly. He questions her for “snooping.” He frames the business as illogical. He invokes free speech. The argument becomes about rights rather than injury.
She asks him to leave.
The relationship ends not because they disagreed about faith, but because the version of support she thought she had was incompatible with what he had been doing in private.
Text Version
I (29f) recently discovered my bf (32m) of 4 years has been keeping a blog mocking my business
CONCLUDED
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/botanicaownergirl
I (29f) recently discovered my bf (32m) of 4 years has been keeping a blog mocking my business.
TRIGGER WARNING: racism
Original Post July 15, 2015
This is probably going to be a controversial post, as I know Reddit isn’t very fond of any religions, especially not ones that aren’t mainstream. That might be a weird way of putting it so I apologize if that offended anyone. I really, truly don’t want to.
When my abuela died, I inherited the keys to her longstanding botanica. For anyone who doesn’t know, this is a shop run by Latinos whose purpose is to sell religious, esoterica things. We sell the seven-day candles you’ll see at memorial sites, herbs, oils, statues, books, services, etc. These are all things I grew up surrounded by and things that mean the world to me. I love them. To me, the scent of Florida Water and Hoyt’s Cologne are home.
I took business classes to run the shop properly, and it is a successful business. We profit off it nicely and we made some changes over the years, including services that you can’t get at shops around us. We care deeply for all of our customers. I spend about 8am-4pm there every day, and it’s like going to my other home.
My boyfriend, Thomas, works from home. He does tech work and things like that. He’s always been a huge supporter of my business because he knows how much it means to me. He knows it’s a part of my cultural heritage, of my life, and of my ancestors and family.
He also knows that I do not 100% believe in the things we do. I believe in many of them, but I am not hardboiled religious and I don’t adhere to many religious rules.
That’s enough back story. Well the other day, I made us some breakfast, he finished very fast and went out for his morning jog. I asked him if I could use his computer to do a few things since it was right there and I’m a slow eater. He agreed and just turned it over to me. He left on his run, and I got to work. I just wanted to do a few accounting type things and also do some research for an upcoming trip we have to Havana.
But when I opened his browser, several tabs were open, so I clicked to a different browser so as not to disturb his (since I never know what’s work and what’s play with him). The other browser had one thing up: the blog. I noticed he didn’t use the name of the shop, but there was a clear picture of it. And underneath there were probably 50 entries so far. I didn’t go through and read them all, because after I saw the first one, I got the idea. I got the idea clear as day.
He was making fun of it. All of it. Everything. My heart shattered. He made fun of the customers, of some of the products we have. One of the things we are known for is an extensive collection of candles for different saints, orishas, and figures. He mocks some of the orishas and their candles and the novenas. What broke my heart the most is that he made fun of the one figure who I like the most, who I don’t want to mention because I don’t want to offend.
I keep a small home altar to the figure and tend to it carefully and with love. He makes fun of the altar and talks about how nonsensical it is and everything.
The comments range from nothing to spam to dedicated followers who talk about his “crazy” girlfriend, how I’m absolutely nuts and he should run away, who would believe in any of this (a lot of people..) and things like that.
I was so stunned and absolutely hurt that I had to check how long ago he made it. I saved the address and read through all of it while I was at work and cried.
I don’t know how to address this with him. He’s been keeping the blog for 2 years now. My heart is shattered because our relationship has been nothing but love and smooth sailing, excitemeny and joy. He never shared my spirituality with me and it was never something that I requested of him. I even keep my altar out of view out of respect for his own preferences.
What do I do? How do we come back from this?
To me, it is not just about the spirituality. i have grown up hearing people laugh at it and call it cooky and made up, strange and all of that. But it is my grandmother’s business, it is my ancestry and it is my heritage. To me, he is mocking those directly.
What do I do?
tl;dr: Mandatory summary/question!
RELEVANT COMMENTS
iownakeytar
My goodness, OP that’s so awful. It makes me want to cry just hearing that this happened to you!
The only thing you can do is talk to him about it. And I think you need to say something along the lines of this:
“To me, it is not just about the spirituality. i have grown up hearing people laugh at it and call it cooky and made up, strange and all of that. But it is my grandmother’s business, it is my ancestry and it is my heritage. To me, he is mocking those directly.”
It’s not funny, it’s not a laughing matter, and it is insanely disrespectful! And the fact that he’s been carrying on with it for so long — I really can’t wrap my head around why someone would mock something so personal and cherished that they supposedly love. That’s the most childish thing I’ve ever heard — I had to go back and check his age at the top of the post.
Confront him, OP. He needs to apologize, take this blog down, and beg for your forgiveness.
OOP
How do I confront him? I’ve honestly never had to confront someone about something like this before.
sleepfight
“So, I found your blog.”
That’s literally all you need to say, to start with. Focus on how it makes you feel, and that you feel like he doesn’t respect you.
&
I would also consider keeping the funds you make from this business to yourself, for the time being. If he can’t respect it, and actively trashes it, he doesn’t deserve access to any of the profits (beyond paying bills, etc).
OOP
Oh, yes, my business is mine and he shares none of it. We are not married and have no joint finances other than me helping him out with his student loans (since I did not have them and prefer to help with something like that)
sleepfight
I would recommend stopping helping him out with his student loans, for now, as well. He is being incredibly disrespectful about you and your relationship. It would be wise to create some consequences for his betrayal if you intend to continue the relationship.
andersmagee
Why does he even deserve a full confrontation? Do you need the closure? Because unless this is something you need, I’d pack your things, tell him you saw the blog, and leave. Or better yet, ask him to leave instead.
OOP
I’m not crazy about just upping and leaving without a word after 4 years. That’s all.
~
commenter
What is your BF like in regards to the business? Is he supportive? Does he ever mock it openly to you or your friends, or at the business? Is it an anonymous blog or is his ownership of it public? You say he never shared your spirituality, but does he follow his own religion?
First off: I’m not trying to excuse his actions. That being said, if he’s not religious at all, could his blog be his only… reprieve I guess? from your spirituality? Everyone else here has immediately chastised him for being a terrible person. I’m not going to argue one way or the other without knowing more about him and your relationship.
That being said, speaking as someone who does not subscribe to any religion/spirituality: you seem pretty entrenched in the religion. You work every day at the store and you have a home alter (in the home the two of you share) dedicated to it. You probably talk about it a lot and it’s probably a big part of the majority of your friendships.
I know if I was in his shoes and was with someone I loved and cared for immensely, who believed extremely heavily in something I found ridiculous, I would need some type of escape from it. I would never want to prohibit you from doing anything, and I would never ask you to change something you cared so much for, and would never put it down to you/your friends/your family, but I would need some type of a break from it. It seems like the blog is his break, and kind of seems like it’s the ONLY one he ever gets since he’s not even free from it in his home. You need to discuss it with him as rationally/calmly as possible (and I know that’s difficult when dealing with religion/spirituality, but it’s absolutely necessary that no one lose their cool during their discussion). Anyways, with the limited info here, that’s my $0.02.
OOP
He doesn’t mock it openly to anyone, of course. I would never stand for that. He does not follow his own religion, but he is not an atheist. He just hasn’t found what works for him, yet.
But to be clear, it is not a big part of my friendships and I don’t really talk about it other than when he asks if anything interesting happens or anything like that. He will come into the shop many days to bring me lunch or hang out on his break, which is where he gets his stories from. But once I leave the site, I don’t talk about it to him because I was taught that work and home don’t mix like that.
Update July 23, 2015
I had my heart set on not just getting up and leaving. There was still some things that we needed to talk about, so when I got home two days after I made that post and had time to think about it, I confronted him.
I started reading one of his posts off to him. He asked me how I found out, I was honest and told him. He started to get annoyed and asked me why I was snooping (I wasn’t), and then he started up with his defense before I could even get a word in!
He told me that he always had a hard time understanding how I could be a part of something where there was no “logic” behind it, how I could take money from anyone knowing that “that stuff is fake” and everything. I let him say what he needed to say.
I asked him, is that really how you feel? And he said yes, and that he was happy to finally get it off my chest. He’d just insulted me, my beliefs, my family history, all of it, in the span of 20 minutes.
I told him that if that’s how he feels, he needs to leave. The place we live in was mine originally, he just moved in after we were dating for a while because it was easier. I didn’t want to have to stoop that low, but living with someone who thinks that little of what I do and my business — the business that’s supported our very comfortable lives for all this time — isn’t something I can compromise on.
He asked me if I was breaking up with him because oft his, that it was his right, as an American with free spech to do what he’s doing, and that I’m trying to censor him like “all religious nuts” do.
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing so I just asked him to leave. Over the next days he collected his things and when he got out his last box, he told me that he would not come back, but that I could bet he would still be posting on his blog about my shop.
I think the last thing I said to him was to have fun with his 15 blog readers.
I am really heartbroken over this and very sad it came to this. It’s going to be a long time before I try dating again.
tl;dr: Confronted him about this and he blew it into his right as an American with free speech, and I was censoring him. I kicked him out and have no intention of dating. Anytime soon.
Source
It begins without drama. She is still at the table. He has already left for his run. She clicks into a second browser so she won’t disrupt whatever he had open. The page is there. The shop. The posts. Dozens of them.
There is something almost mundane about that discovery. No elaborate secrecy, no hidden passwords. Just proximity.
The shop is not abstract to her. It smells a certain way. It opens at eight. It closes at four. It holds her grandmother’s history and her own routines. He has been inside that space often enough to gather details. He has listened. Then he has gone home and rearranged those same details for strangers.
Skepticism alone would not have undone them. People coexist across belief systems every day. What shifts the air here is the staging. The storefront photo. The comments calling her “crazy.” The altar described as nonsense. The chorus effect.
When she confronts him, the sequence is quick and concrete. He asks how she found it. He says she was snooping. He says there is no logic behind what she sells. He says it is fake. He says it is his right to say so. He speaks for twenty minutes before she can finish a sentence. She lets him talk.
He frames himself as honest. She hears something else.
Perhaps the blog was, in his mind, a pressure valve an outlet for confusion he never articulated at home. That possibility lingers. But confusion usually sounds different. It doesn’t usually gather an audience and keep score.
The escalation does not crescendo theatrically. She tells him to leave. He packs over several days. At the door, he says he will continue posting. She tells him to enjoy his fifteen readers.
There is no grand resolution after that. Just a room that belongs to her again, and the uneasy fact that you can share a life with someone who is also quietly rewriting you. The question of when that rewriting began doesn’t get answered.