1501 – My (24F) father (46M) refuses to come to my wedding because it wont be on “American Soil” I’m really upset and my father thinks I’m being Overly sensitive
Featured on @StorylineReddit: November 3, 2025
He doesn’t want his daughter to marry off American soil. The sentence arrives heavy, louder than the situation seems to require. A cruise to the Bahamas—practical, affordable, intimate—suddenly becomes a line he refuses to cross.
It could be framed as politics. It could be dismissed as stubbornness. But the sharper tension sits elsewhere. A wedding is supposed to belong to the couple. Here, the location turns into a referendum on authority. Who defines what is acceptable. Who decides which symbols matter.
There’s a noticeable shift in tone once money and attendance are mentioned. An offer to help pay. A demand for clarification. Then a raised voice. Then instructions. He wants to be convinced.
Milestones have a way of exposing old arrangements. Some expectations survive quietly for years. A wedding can disturb them without intending to.
What begins as wedding logistics quickly hardens into something symbolic. The cruise is not extravagant; it is a practical solution for a small guest list and limited budget. Still, once the father realizes the ceremony will not take place within U.S. borders, the conversation changes register.
Financial support becomes background pressure. Attendance shifts from assumed to conditional. He positions his presence as negotiable, something that must be earned through persuasion rather than expected as parental baseline. The disagreement stops being about travel and starts orbiting around leverage.
Earlier fractures surface without being fully named. His absence during her childhood. Political divergence. Discomfort around her fiancé’s background. None of these are argued directly in the call, yet they sit in the margins of it.
Over time, escalation moves outward and then narrows again. He contributes partially. He declines the cruise. He misses the small legal ceremony despite reminders. The wedding proceeds regardless.
The geography never actually changes. What changes is who stands at the center.
My (24F) father (46M) refuses to come to my wedding because it wont be on “American Soil” I’m really upset and my father thinks I’m being Overly sensitive NEW UPDATE I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Hazzie666
My (24F) father (46M) refuses to come to my wedding because it wont be on “American Soil” I’m really upset and my father thinks I’m being Overly sensitive.
TRIGGER WARNING: xenoophobia, racism
MOOD SPOILER: Positive
Original Post June 11, 2018
Some background: My father is a bit of a nationalist…. he’s a little much. I love my country but not like he does. We dont agree on much to be honest. My father wasnt around much until my teenage years. My parents separated when I was 6.
I planned most of the wedding with my mother we decided since I don’t have many friends a cruise wedding would work best for us. And it was WELL within our budget. I want a tiny ceremony and figured this would make it easy for everyone. I had told my father ahead of time that we were probably going to go on a cruise. He said that was fine with him.
Skip forward to now, were about 7 months out from the wedding and were trying to put the down payments for everything we need now. I call my father to confirm information with him in terms of pricing and such since he is helping us pay. He asks me where the stops on the cruise were. I explain that were going to the Bahamas. He asked if any of those places were American territories. I told him no. He then starts hooting and hollering that his daughter is going to be married on American soil, he refuses to get on that ship, and he’s never leaving this country. And how He thought were doing an Alaskan cruise. I was a bit shocked by this outburst and got a bit upset. He told me I was being too emotional. We fought back and forth for a bit and it ended with him saying, “If you work hard to convince me and don’t pout about it I might change my mind.” Before hanging up on me.
Now I’m just sitting here and I dont really know what to do. I want my father there but I already set my heart on this cruise. So do I continue with it as just say screw my dad or do I spend the next 6 months begging him to come on this cruise with me?
Tldr: My dad refuses to go on a cruise off American soil for my wedding and wants me to try to convince him otherwise.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
Commenter
“So do I continue with it as just say screw my dad or do I spend the next 6 months begging him to come on this cruise with me?”
Option 1 sounds SO much better, doesn’t it?
If your father’s support of your marriage is conditional on where your vows take place, he doesn’t really care all that much about you or your marriage. I’m sorry.
~
Commenter 1
Your wedding is about you and your husband and no one else
Commenter 2
Agreed.
However /u/Hazzie666 you made a massive tactical error planning out your wedding based on promises instead of cash on hand.
My folks sent us some contributions to my wedding last fall, but it was given to us the previous Christmas — well in advance of the wedding and before we locked in plans. Unfortunately I have friends who are getting married and they had to cancel their plans because a parent who was going to be a key benefactor reneged on paying what they promised. This kind of thing happens, so you may need to cancel or scale back what you intended in the Bahamas and come up with a plan B that you can afford.
OOP
We can definitely afford this without him. Honestly him not being apart of the wedding wont change much in the ways of financially changing anything, maybe a few less extravagant things(not that there is much)
~
Commenter 1
Dont know if this is possible, but maybe your dad just cant afford to help you or go on the cruise anymore?
When reading it kind of sounded like he was looking for a reason to object out of(correctly guessed by you) pride.
Maybe it’s about money on his end, not America.
Or maybe he’s just starting to petrify?
OOP
I dont think that’s the problem. He just texted me and asked how much he needed to send me. So I feel like he just really doesnt want to leave the country…
~
Commenter 1
I can only wonder how he’d react if you married a foreigner.
Something something foreign seed being planted in American soil
OOP
That’s the funniest thing, My fiance is from Bosnia. The first thing my dad asked when I told him that was “is he going to bomb us?”
Commenter 2
Oh! I bet THAT’S what this is REALLY about. He’s a racist. He’s got just enough sense to realise he’s not allowed to attack your choice of spouse, even though he hates the idea, so he’s displacing his anger onto something more “neutral” like the wedding venue.
yeah, you dont want him there, imho
OOP
Honestly wouldn’t shock me.
~
Commenter 1
“I want my father there”
What, this guy?
“We dont agree on much to be honest. My father wasnt around much until my teenage years.”
Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think his absence will really be the end of the world.
He’s throwing a tantrum because he wants to feel like he (and his views) are the most important part of the wedding. That’s why he wants you to beg for him to change his mind.
Don’t bother. Just say, “Okay.” And don’t bother calling him again. After a while, he’ll start trying to contact you, trying to convince you to convince him to change his mind. Just reply, “Sorry Dad, I’m very busy trying to organise the wedding. Hope to see you there, but if you can’t make it, that’s fine.”
Honestly, his “nationalism” sounds more like mental illness. It’s one thing to be proud of your birthplace, and another to refuse to ever leave the country. Don’t indulge his brand of insanity. Have the wedding you want, and enjoy it.
Or, if you really want to indulge him, get a jar of soil from a place you like, and sprinkle it on a piece of cloth, then stand on it as you say your vows. There you go, you literally got married on American soil.
Commenter 2
As an American, I can tell you this nationalism isn’t that uncommon…it’s pretty weird but there are tons of people who think that every other country is garbage and why bother traveling. It’s very sad.
Commenter 3
When it’s so bad that you refuse to attend your daughter’s wedding, that’s pretty bad.
Commenter 4
I think my favourite part was when he refused to attend a wedding that was outside of the US…but had to ask for clarification because he doesn’t actually know which areas are US territories.
Commenter 5
Racist bigots aren’t exactly known for their educational achievements.
this vital information
Commenter
Oh god, this is awful but I’m dying laughing so I have to tell you–I read your post to my fiancé (who is on your side, btw), but his first comment after “What a baby” (your dad) was “You never know–maybe he’s got warrants.”
OOP
Unsurprisingly, my father is a felon lol.
&
Hes very long off from his sentence. Hes no longer on parole and laws are different when on a cruise when it comes to passports. Were going to the Bahamas which has no such laws about Felonies.
Commenter 2
Well, there you have it. Many, but not all countries, will bar admission to foreign citizens with criminal records. And he may have a parole condition that he not leave the US.
Edit: Thank you for all of the replies. I apologize for all the spelling and grammatical errors. I was upset and typing erratically on my cell phone. I texted him to let him know that while hes still invited that the wedding was going to continue without him if he doesnt come. He hasn’t replied but I will update if he does.
Edit2: This wedding is NOT financially reliable on whether my father agrees to go or not. He offered to pay for some stuff. I know how he is (ie. A bit flakey) so the only things he was paying for is what I deemed as not 100% Necessary. Also, when I called to confirm pricing it was pricing for his ticket for the cruise. My apologies for not being clear.
Update Dec 11, 2018 (6 months later)
So long story short, he isn’t coming. He is now saying that he’s afraid to get on the boat or he has also said he doesn’t want to be on a boat with my mother. (Their split was anything but amicable) He’s helped out financially but not to the extent as promised. As I said in the original post…his money wasn’t needed but it would be/is helpful. My fiance (now technically husband) and I decided that we would have a small ceremony to be legally married here in Iowa since it was going to cost nearly 9x more to be legally married on the cruise ship. My father was invited and forgot to come even after being reminded multiple times. It really put where I stand with him into perspective.
The actual wedding ceremony is just over a month away. Everything has been purchased and the final touches are being taken care of. I asked my stepfather to walk me down the aisle which he tearfully accepted! I’m extremely excited to be spending my wedding surrounded by the people that care about me.
Thank you all for your kind words and wonderful advice.
Tldr: my father is a coward and isn’t coming to my wedding
RELEVANT COMMENTS
Commenter
If you want to be really baller, take a really nice picture with your stepfather as he walks you down the aisle and post it all over social media so your father and everyone else can see it.
I’m petty like that.
OOP
Oh that’s definitely going to happen. Shortly after the initial post, he tried to tell me he was about to lose his house (trying to get out of helping me) not even a week later hes posting pictures of his brand new 2018 Dodge Challenger… I just laughed and blocked him on social media.
~
Commenter
In your previous post, is demand that you try really hard to convince him sounded a lot like he realized he’s being treated like a dad who wasn’t there for a lot of your childhood. And he doesn’t like it very much and wants you to suck up to him for a while. He wants tons of attention and to be given the credit for parenting that he didn’t earn.
OOP
I think he realized quickly that I wasn’t going to grovel for him to come…he has barely contacted me recently.
~
[deleted]
I just got to say, congratulations!! Enjoy your ceremony, and don’t worry about your ‘father’. Sounds like step-dad has it covered.
OOP
He does. He even made himself custom converse to wear while walking me down the aisle (I’m wearing converse too!)
&
We’re wearing most traditional wedding attire but we chose to wear converse because I’ve worn converse every day since I was 11!
OOP has appeared and updated in the comments
Here Oct 23, 2025 (7 years later)
OOP here!
After this, I went low/no contact with him. We spoke a few times due to my brother passing away but it’s been a full year no contact.
I had a beautiful wedding, with people that love and care about me. I’m actually incredibly grateful that he did not show up.
Some interesting tidbits:
He threw a fit when I told him I was changing my last name. He illegally voted for Trump in the 2020 and 2024 election. He believes that I’m part of a radical cult because I brought aid to people living in a food desert during covid.
He tells her to “work hard” to convince him. Not pout. Then he hangs up.
There is no speech about values. No debate about travel law. Just volume, instruction, and a click. She sits there with the phone in her hand.
That exchange alters the frame. The cruise is the surface detail. Underneath, something more familiar is being rehearsed. His attendance becomes conditional, not simply uncertain. He sets terms. She is expected to respond in the correct emotional posture.
From his perspective, the ground may feel unstable. A daughter marrying abroad, a future son-in-law from Bosnia, a ceremony beyond national borders. For someone who ties identity tightly to place, this could feel like loss rather than logistics. Pride can react before reflection does.
But she is not staging a political statement. She is planning a wedding she can afford. She is choosing what fits her life. The difference in stakes is stark.
The escalation doesn’t explode; it accumulates. First refusal. Then the suggestion that persuasion might change things. Later, partial financial follow-through. Later still, absence from the legal ceremony in Iowa missed despite reminders. These steps line up quietly.
When the stepfather agrees to walk her down the aisle, he cries. He orders custom Converse to match hers. Photos are posted.
Some absences shout. Others simply remain empty space in a frame.
It is tempting to compress this into a lesson about ideology or prejudice. That thread is present, but it does not need to be overworked. What lingers more stubbornly is the shift in standing. A father tests how much influence he still holds. A daughter declines to compete for it.
The wedding happens anyway. The boat sails. The aisle is walked. And the shape of the family adjusts, not with a dramatic break, but with a quiet subtraction.
Featured on @StorylineReddit: December 1, 2025 He thought he was planning a wedding. Instead, he ended up on the phone […]
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