Featured on @StorylineReddit: December 1, 2025
There are lies that smooth over an awkward detail. And then there are lies that quietly construct a shared identity. The difference doesn’t announce itself. At first it feels like connection. It sounds like, “Me too.” It feels like relief.
Here, the conflict isn’t really about a condo deed or a debt number that won’t hold steady. It’s about recognition or what seemed like it. She carried the strain of supporting a struggling parent. He said he did too. That parallel became part of how they understood each other: late-night venting, shared frustration, the comfort of not being the only one carrying something heavy.
Then the details began to wobble.
When the facts that made you feel seen turn out to be arranged, the loss isn’t just factual. It’s relational. And once that doubt slips in, it doesn’t stay politely contained.
This relationship rested on a mirrored story: two adults shaped by financial instability, both stepping up for their parents. For her, that responsibility was concrete and ongoing. For him, it was described in similar terms property ownership, debt paid off, money sent home, tense visits that left him drained.
Gradually, the scaffolding gave way. The condo belonged to his parents. The debt explanation shifted depending on the moment. The financial support he described did not move in the direction she’d been led to believe. When confronted, his answers adjusted mid-conversation a claim, then a correction, then another correction.
The issue is less about whether one detail was exaggerated and more about whether the emotional bond was built on something curated. Their sense of shared values around money and adulthood begins to look unstable. And once that instability surfaces, every new statement arrives with a question attached.
Text Version
My (28F) boyfriend (32M) told me a “white lie” for almost 3 years and I’m not sure if it‘s a red flag
CONCLUDED
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Intelligent_Ad3412
My (28F) boyfriend (32M) told me a “white lie” for almost 3 years and I’m not sure if it‘s a red flag
Original Post Aug 6, 2020
I’ll try to make this as short as possible but it’s going to be long as hell because there is so much lying going on. My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 3 years, living together for 2. We have a pretty good relationship, obviously with ups and downs but we make it work and are happy.
A little background on me/my boyfriend for context:
I come from a single-parent home. My father was absent. My mother was/is by no means perfect, but she did her best with what she had. We were poor. Life was never easy for us but we had each other. Since I was pretty young, I’ve wanted to pay her back someday. I’ve worked incredibly hard to be able to do so. I help her financially as much as I can and regularly pay her bills/send her cash. I’m also her only living child now as my brother passed away 5 years ago which basically left me to help her. I don’t care, I love my mother, and the right thing to do is to help her when she needs it. But is is stressful.
This is relevant because my boyfriend described coming from a somewhat similar past, and it is something we have bonded over. Having the mutual experiences seemed to bring us closer. He told me he also helped his parents financially, and we would often vent to each other about the stress it brings. I am not one to confide in many people, so having someone who I felt like actually understood me, was meaningful to me.
So here is where the lies come in and I need someone to either tell me I’m not crazy and this is fucked up, or that I am crazy and this isn’t a huge deal. I’m fine with either.
When we met, my boyfriend lived in a condo in a pretty swanky part of the city (I live in the US northeast). He told me he owned that apartment/condo. I found this to be interesting/odd because he was 28 at the time and I know this property is upwards of $650,000 on the low end and he was in an entry-level job for only like 2 yrs so the numbers just didn’t really add up. Whatever, maybe he’s good at saving?
But then, since living together, I never once saw a piece of mail for a mortgage payment, electric bill, taxes, nothing. Not for 2 whole years. Very odd.
Also, when we started living together, he didn’t have his room rented out in the former apartment yet so he was still responsible for that portion of the rent. He would send a Venmo payment to his mother on the first of every month for his portion. I don’t own property, but I can’t think of a scenario where I would Venmo my mother to pay the mortgage on a property I supposedly own. Getting more odd.
He would then go to his parents house for an afternoon and come back really upset. Usually when I would ask why, it was because they were having financial problems and he needed to help them out. I totally understood this and supported him. He literally has cried on my shoulder about this many times.
He tried to start a company years back and ended up getting into debt somehow. He told me this debt was $17,000 and that he paid it off. I’m confused because I met him only 2-3 years after the supposed debt accrued/company dissolved and it was already paid off? He told me when he moved back home after the business failed, he was $17k in debt and living at his parents house working at a minimum wage job. How someone with a minimum wage job pays off that much debt in 3 years, I’ll never know!
We got into a fight a few weeks ago and I finally had enough and confronted him about these things. Long story short – he doesn’t help his parents, they actually pay his phone bill, and this was all a lie. He doesn’t own that apartment, he didn’t pay off that debt from his company (he initially told me his parents helped pay it off and then like 3 mins later “came clean” and said that his business partner paid it off so I have literally no idea what the truth is there) and if anything, in my eyes, his parents are the ones who are financially supporting him.
So now, I’m dating a 31 yr old man who doesn’t pay his own phone bill, was lying to me and/or completely fabricating aspects of his life for 3 years, and then when confronted about it, continued to make up lies and then came clean about them 5 mins later. I’m obviously concerned that he could lie for this long, about fundamentally important things like our values, and so on.
I sincerely thought I would marry this man, he seemed to understand me like no one else and to be a truly caring and genuine person. Now I’m having a hard time rationalizing actually planning a life around someone who would not only lie about their background and family etc. but also financial aspects. Aside from that, I now can’t tell what is the truth and what is a lie. I’ve also noticed other things he has lied about, called him out on it and he has denied it outright to my face. I see this as a form of gaslighting as I KNOW I’m not wrong but he is trying to convince me otherwise.
Am I overreacting? Is this a white lie that went haywire? Or is this actually a series of complete and utter bullshit used to manipulate me? And also, is it insane for me to actually consider a life with this man? Any advice is appreciated.
TL;DR: my boyfriend of almost 3 years told me a series of “white lies” that to me, seem more serious. Can’t tell if I’m overreacting or if this is actually indicative of a bigger problem.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
pomfrida
If he’s still lying there’s no recovery from this.
If he’s owning his faults, being sincerely apologetic and willing to go to therapy, I think it’s possible to continue this relationship. Living together you’ll need total transparency in your finances.
I can somehow understand why he lied in the start but I can not understand why he would continue to lie when the cat’s out of the box.
OOP
This is what really messed with me. Apparently as it stands he has told me everything (obviously not sure if I can believe that but whatever). But what really bothered me is that he went from saying “the debt I had was paid by my parents” and then he walked out of the room and came back quite literally 30 seconds later and said “that was a lie, my business partner actually took responsibility and paid it”. As this was unfolding he lied to my face several more times, I just pressed and told him I could tell he was still lying and he would go “yeah you’re right, I am, I don’t know why” with a pouty face as if I was supposed to console him. I was baffled
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Elation31
This isn’t a white lie, this is a huge web of lies on which he’s built the foundations of your relationship. I would forever be wondering what else he’s lied about. Get out.
OOP
This is the issue for me. It honestly wouldn’t be as big of a deal if this wasn’t like a huge part of our relationship (the bonding and confiding in one another, I mean). I come from a harsh background and I had a difficult life growing up and it was very special to me to have someone who I thought could at least mildly understand. I’ve also told him so many painful and personal things while he was lying to me non stop apparently
~
[deleted]
So who does own the condo?
I could get if he maybe at the start was like “yeah, me too” because he felt awkward you help your mom so much and he gets so much help from his and he didn’t want to seem spoiled…(not a good enough reason to lie but I would understand it) but he went as far as to constantly lie, pretend to be upset when he came back from visits, kept adding to the lie. He seems very manipulative, for all you know he was telling his parents you were in dire financial need.
OOP
His parents own it. I get the trying to relate part but he has painted this picture of this really underprivileged life, and it’s just not true. I started to question obviously when I realized his parents own a nice house in a nice part of a major city. They also clearly own this condo. I grew up poor and literally nobody im related to owns 2 properties, both in expensive parts of a city. I’m not saying it’s impossible but he fabricated this big struggle that I think was max like 2 years long when his parents first moved here.
Also worth noting that yes, he has told his parents things about me that I specifically asked him not to (personal things about family issues) and then lied about it to me. Admittedly, not my proudest moment but the lying got to me, I went through his phone and saw him texting his mom about it.
OOP expands on the financial aspect
The financial aspect is also troubling. I was pretty focused on just the principle of him making shit up (also probably worth mentioning he has told me funny stories about his past where he is the main character, but then will later tell the same exact story but from the viewpoint of it happening to someone else? When I bring this up he denies ever doing that). But it’s also deeply troubling to think that he has told me he owned a house, paid off debts, and has enough leftover to send to his parents. None of this is true. Also worth mentioning he gets commission from his job on top of the same salary I make. I save $1,500 a month (with having all my bills paid and sending money to my mom). I don’t make a ton and live in an expensive city but my point is I’m frugal and serious about money and saving for my future. I guarantee he doesn’t save that much because he only has $15k in savings. So once again the numbers don’t add up and here I am wondering where this money goes. I’m rambling but I’m at a loss here so I’m just trying to get all my thoughts out. Thank you for taking the time to respond. I have this vision of myself at like 35 with a couple of kids and finding out about some other really serious lie and it terrifies me. I’m also really scared because to be honest, I find it hard to open up to new people over fear of them judging me for my past. It’s a clusterfuck lol
Update Nov 3, 2020 (3 months later)
My previous post got more attention than expected so I figured I’d update.
Well, it’s over. As many of you suggested, I couldn’t possibly build my life around someone who lied so pathologically.
I initially agreed to work on the relationship provided that my ex get therapy to work through why he felt compelled to lie about so many aspects of his “life”. I also requested that he come clean to his parents, my parents, and anyone else he lied to or embellished the truth to. He agreed to this and seemed genuinely interested in working on things and himself. I really wanted it to work out and was willing to accept that maybe he was just wildly insecure/had some attachment issues or something that caused him to act this way. I waited 4 months for the therapy and confessions to happen and they never did, not surprisingly.
For those of you who were confused about how I didn’t know he did not own this apartment for so long/thought I had never met his parents – I had met them many, many times. But tbh they are pretty cold people who I never really connected with that much and was definitely not comfortable enough to be like “hey, is your son a pathological liar or is all of this true?”. On top of that, he also told a lot of these lies to his parents as well so they wouldn’t have been keen to what I was talking about anyway.
It got to the point where basically anything that came out of his mouth seemed like a lie or at least a half-truth to me. Also, I lost respect for someone who could lie so easily and then not even feel guilty enough or any remorse to come clean about it. I’m pretty honest, almost to a fault. So the cognitive dissonance there that occurred from being with someone who had basically opposite values from me was tough.
I’m sure there were a lot of other things he was hiding, but I don’t even care. I’ve been single and living alone for a week and to be frank I’m killin it. Im now responsible for 100% of my rent and I barely have any savings left, but I still feel like a giant weight has lifted off my shoulders. Crazy how that works.
I want to thank all of the people who gave me the hard truth straight up and encouraged me to leave. Even though it was all coming from internet strangers, it still helps to hear people tell you that you deserve more than what you’re getting. I’m so happy and I must be giving off a much better vibe because I’ve already had 2 dates and been asked for my number a handful of times (I’m a server at a restaurant lol). I sound like a cocky asshole but god does it feel good to remember you’re not as worthless as someone made you feel.
Thanks Reddit, and if any of you are in a relationship with someone who is like this – GTFO and don’t look back.
Tl;dr: we broke up lol
RELEVANT COMMENTS
OOP clarifies the timeline
IndustryKiller
Wait, your post is from 2mos ago, but you say you’ve waited 4mos for him to go therapy?
OOP
It happened in July and I waited a while to post. I waited from the beginning of July til now (end of oct) so that’s about 4 months 🙂
Source
The first crack wasn’t dramatic. It was logistical.
No mortgage statements. No utility bills. A Venmo transfer to his mother on the first of each month. He would visit his parents and come back quiet, sometimes tearful, describing their stress. She would sit with him on the couch and let him talk. It happened more than once.
For a long time, the symmetry mattered more than the paperwork. Two people who grew up with scarcity, both trying to be responsible adults. That kind of alignment lowers your guard. You don’t interrogate someone who seems to speak your language.
Then the confrontation. The debt was paid by his parents. He left the room. Thirty seconds later: that was a lie, it was the business partner. More questions. Another revision. “You’re right.” A small shrug. The pattern repeated in miniature statement, retreat, partial confession. Again.
It’s possible to see insecurity here an adult man embarrassed by ongoing support, trying to stand taller beside someone fiercely self-reliant. It’s also possible to notice how neatly his invented narrative aligned with hers, how it positioned him inside her values instead of outside them. Both readings sit in the room. Neither fully resolves it.
What lands harder is practical. She saves aggressively while helping her mother. He earns commission, maintains modest savings, and presented a version of himself that implied comparable discipline. Shared life decisions rent, children, risk rest on that alignment. Or don’t.
And then there’s the smaller moment that lingers: she says she knows he’s still lying, and he looks at her as if she might soothe him. The dynamic turns in that glance.
By the time she leaves, it isn’t a dramatic rupture. It’s quieter than that. Less money in the bank. Fewer doubts in the room.
Some conflicts collapse under a single ugly fact. Others thin out slowly, detail by detail, until you’re left listening for the next correction.