Featured on @StorylineReddit: November 29, 2025
There’s something almost old-fashioned about competitive ballroom. Structured steps. Clear roles. A partnership built on timing and repetition. It looks formal from the outside controlled, even polite.
Inside this relationship, though, nothing about the rhythm felt steady.
She had been dancing for years before him. Ten hours a week. Competitions. A world with its own rules and hierarchies. He stepped into that world late and already uneasy, unsure whether partnership meant choreography or something more intimate. From the beginning, the disagreement wasn’t explosive it was negotiated, postponed, absorbed.
Until it wasn’t.
This story isn’t really about whether ballroom is “sexual.” It’s about what happens when a long-standing identity meets a partner who expects it to shrink. The conflict doesn’t erupt all at once. It accumulates in small conditions, small concessions, small revisions of what was previously agreed upon.
And at some point, the steps stop lining up.
The conflict revolves around a mismatch between a long-term personal pursuit and a partner’s discomfort that keeps evolving. She has built years of discipline, skill, and identity around competitive ballroom dancing. He enters the relationship aware of this, initially expressing unease but agreeing to tolerate it. The issue remains dormant while circumstances temporarily align she switches roles, dances with a woman, conflict quiets.
After college, when she resumes searching for a male partner at her competitive level, his discomfort resurfaces more intensely. What had been “acceptance” shifts into expectation: he assumes she will stop. When she doesn’t, the disagreement becomes conditional dance with a woman instead, compete with him instead, include him in practice oversight. Each compromise seems to generate a new demand.
The breaking point isn’t a single argument but the cumulative pattern. Surveillance replaces trust. Minor gestures become evidence. Concessions no longer stabilize the relationship. Ultimately, she leaves not because dance mattered more than him, but because the terms kept changing. The dynamic becomes unsustainable long before the lease does.
Text Version
My boyfriend (22M) of 1 year doesn’t want me (21F) dancing with other guys
CONCLUDED
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ballroomthrowaway
My boyfriend (22M) of 1 year doesn’t want me (21F) dancing with other guys
TRIGGER WARNING: Controlling behavior
Original Post Oct 19, 2017
My boyfriend and I started dating around a year ago, at the beginning of our senior year of college. We were friends for a while beforehand, and have mostly similar goals and values. We usually resolve conflict well; however, this is the one topic that we can’t seem to settle.
I started competitive ballroom dancing 7 years ago after switching over from ballet. Since I first started, it’s been a pretty big part of my life (at least 10 hours/week). Though I don’t plan on ever dancing professionally, it is really something I love and plan on doing for the foreseeable future.
When my boyfriend and I got together, I was a part of my college’s ballroom dance team. From the start, my boyfriend was uncomfortable with the fact that I danced with a male partner. We had a few disagreements over this, where he voiced his unhappiness but ultimately agreed to “accept it even though he didn’t like it” when I explained to him how much ballroom means to me and how my dance partner and I had a purely platonic relationship (my college team explicitly banned all romantic relationships between partners anyway).
This was never really resolved, but my dance partner graduated one semester before me, and I started dancing as a leader (i.e. I danced the guy’s part) with another girl for my last semester. I did this because my team had a shortage of guys and I thought it would be a nice way for me to stay involved with the team and to give another girl a chance to compete. I really don’t enjoy dancing the leader/guy part and would not have done so if I had any other choice. During this time, my relationship with my boyfriend went smoothly, and he never brought up the male partner thing again.
After college, my boyfriend and I were both lucky enough to land jobs in a big city with a vibrant ballroom community. I was pretty eager to start looking for a new partner so I could start dancing as a follower (i.e. the lady’s part) again. I had a fair amount of trouble finding a dance partner who was at my level, was the right height for me, had similar dance goals etc. so it was a while before I found a suitable one. Once I did, I told my boyfriend and he absolutely blew up. He had assumed that I would stop dancing after college like a lot of the members of my college team (including my partner) had and that I would give up my partnership search since it wasn’t going well at first. He was really mad that I would be dancing with a guy again and demanded that I should find a girl to dance with instead (despite the fact that I don’t like dancing as a leader and there aren’t really any girls out there who are willing to dance as a leader). He accused me of trying to cheat on him even though my dance partner is engaged.
After a long fight, I convinced him to try ballroom dancing so he could maybe understand the partnership dynamic and so that we could dance together at parties. He seemed to enjoy it a lot so I was really excited for him. We’ve gone to a few social dances together where we danced with each other and it was all a lot of fun. A few days ago, my boyfriend expressed interest in going to a competition since his teacher mentioned that he thought he was ready. I was initially supportive, until I realized he expected me to compete with him. I explained that I was very excited that he wanted to compete, but unfortunately I would not be able to compete with him since we are at different competition levels and I planned on competing with my partner. My boyfriend got really mad at me for still choosing to dance with my partner after he had gone through all the trouble of learning ballroom dance for me. He thinks I tricked him and it isn’t fair. But the reality is, he has only been dancing for a few months while I’ve been dancing over 10 times as long. Frankly it is a little insulting that my boyfriend seems to think that he is on a level to compete with me after just a few months. As much as I care about my boyfriend, I also care a lot about dance. I already took a semester off from seriously competing when my former partner graduated and really want to get back into it asap. In the future, once my boyfriend has developed more as a dancer, I would definitely consider becoming competitive partners, but not now.
Sorry for that huge essay, but what should I do? I am considering just breaking up with him but was wondering if perhaps I am being the unreasonable one.
tl;dr: My boyfriend and I constantly argue about the fact that my ballroom dance partner is male. Right now, he is mad that I am choosing to continue dancing with my dance partner even though he has started learning ballroom because we are not on the same level yet. Who is being unreasonable/what should I do?
RELEVANT COMMENTS
Tenacious_E_28
He is allowed to have his boundaries/deal breakers. They might seem unreasonable to you (they do to me) but that doesn’t mean they’re wrong, per se. I think, though, that you are mismatched as a couple. Ballroom dancing is something that you love, that makes you feel connected to yourself in a positive way. You shouldn’t have to give it up. So don’t. Give up your boyfriend instead.
OOP
I think this is probably the best solution if we can’t work things out. It isn’t fair to him that I am always dancing with guys which makes him uncomfortable but it also isn’t fair that I should have to quit.
He told me that he thought I was being ridiculous as “most guys” would have a problem with me dancing, but I guess I’ll just have to find one who doesn’t.
poop_giggle
Most guys would have a problem with you dancing with other men…if this was a club setting and you were bumping and grinding against each other.
Ballroom dancing has an entire different atmosphere to it.
potmeetsthekettle
This is what I don’t understand. This isn’t even among the more “sexual” kinds of dance. Ballroom is pretty formal. Like c’mon.
OOP
I mean hey, once upon a time, waltz was considered quite scandalous 😛 But yes, it is not twerking or anything like that.
Update – rareddit Dec 31, 2017 (2 months later)
I first came here a couple of months ago asking for advice regarding my boyfriend who hated the fact that I dance ballroom competitively with a male partner (who is not him).
I ended up sitting him down for a long conversation where we talked about why he felt uncomfortable with my dancing and discussed potential compromises. I apologized for not being clearer about dancing together socially rather than competitively and as a compromise, brought up a mixed-proficiency competition where we could dance together competitively (and made it clear that it was in ADDITION to continuing to compete with my partner until my boyfriend reached the level I compete at, which would take a few years). He was upset by this at first, but agreed if he could meet my partner and get to know him better. All in all, the conversation seemed promising enough that I decided to give my boyfriend one last chance.
I talked to my dance partner, and we set up a double-date (with my partner’s fiancee) at a coffee shop. At the date, my partner’s fiancee mentioned how she got much more comfortable with the idea of her fiance dancing with another women by watching them practice a few times (this was while my dance partner was dancing with someone else). My boyfriend thought this was a great idea and asked me if it was okay if he drove me to practice a few times on the weekends and watched. I agreed, but on the condition that he worked with my practice schedule and that he did not interfere in any way during our practice.
During the third weekend of this arrangement, he was in bed with a hangover Saturday morning at 9:30am when I had to head out for practice. I had reminded him the night before about my practice plans and had woken him up at 9am to remind him again, but he had refused to get up. So I told him it was okay and drove myself to practice. When I got back for lunch at 1:30pm, he was absolutely pissed. He accused me of sneaking around behind his back with my dance partner (even though I explicitly told him multiple times where I was going…?) and went on a rant about how it’s so obvious that I am trying to cheat on him. He brought up how I held the door open for my dance partner during our double date and how my dance partner and I were “smiling too much” during our practices.
I was so sick of constantly feeling like I was doing something wrong that I finally snapped and broke up with him. That evening, my (now ex-) boyfriend blew up my phone about how he didn’t think I was serious and that I was being unfair to him. He said I had to come back because I had agreed to compete with him. I responded that because I had given my word, I was still willing to compete with him at the one competition I had suggested earlier, but that’s it. He got even angrier and said not to bother because ballroom dancing is stupid, I was a cheating whore for choosing dancing over him, and I would never find a guy like him (lol I really hope I don’t…).
Breaking our lease cost a fair bit and moving was a hassle, but honestly it’s been so refreshing not having to deal with constant arguments. It’s a little lonely living by myself now sometimes, but it is so worth it to be able to live and dance on my own terms. Hopefully someday I will meet a guy who supports my dancing but only time will tell I guess.
tl;dr: Boyfriend and I argued about my ballroom dancing with a male partner. He refused to compromise and kept accusing me of cheating so I dumped him.
FINAL COMMENTS
bbyronUn
It’s quite sad if you ask me, but he did have it coming to him.
OOP
I’m sad that we ultimately weren’t able to work things out, but it’s probably for the best, I guess.
daughter-of-durin
In my opinion – you were able to work things out but he wasn’t. Once it became inconvenient for him, he got angry at you despite you bending over backwards. Not your fault at all.
~
anumati
It wasn’t “we” who couldn’t work things out, it was he.
hc600
Sometimes people will sabotage their relationship by making demands they don’t think their SO can meet, and if they do, they just come up with new demands. That’s what I think was going on here. OP was never going to satisfy him. If she quit dance there would have been something else.
OOP
I think that’s the thing that bothered me. It felt like he always seemed to come up with new expectations and demands whenever I would make a concession.
~
TheRealJai
What an insecure guy. Hopefully you don’t find another guy like him. Congratulations, you’ll find someone better.
OOP
Thank you! I hope that someday I will. My ex insisted that most guys would not be okay with their girlfriends dancing with other guys, but I hope I will find one who is. Though in the meantime, I think I might just take some time to be single first.
tsukiii
I used to dance in a professional ballet company (where we frequently danced with men), and almost all of the girls had boyfriends/husbands from outside the company. It won’t be hard at all to find a guy who doesn’t mind when you’re ready.
Source
It begins quietly. A college dance team. A platonic partner. An agreement that he “doesn’t like it” but will accept it. That early compromise feels workable because the structure around it is clear rules, boundaries, time limits.
Then the structure changes. Graduation. A new city. A new partner search. And suddenly the old tolerance doesn’t apply.
There’s a stage in the escalation where nothing dramatic happens, but the tone shifts. He assumes she will stop dancing after college. She assumes she won’t. No one says this outright until it becomes a fight. That gap between assumption and declaration never really closes.
He learns ballroom. That could have been a bridge. Social dancing together, competitions in the future, shared language. Instead, it becomes leverage. He expected the effort to reroute her trajectory. When it didn’t, resentment surfaced.
The scene that crystallizes everything isn’t theoretical. It’s a Saturday morning. 9:30 a.m. He’s hungover in bed. She reminds him about practice. He refuses to get up. She drives herself. When she returns at 1:30 p.m., he is furious. He cites the door she held open for her partner. The way they smiled. The fact that she “snuck around,” despite telling him exactly where she was going.
That moment isn’t subtle. The accusations expand beyond the original issue. The evidence becomes microscopic.
Some relationships absorb insecurity and metabolize it. Others reorganize around it. Here, the discomfort doesn’t shrink; it multiplies. Each reassurance creates a new checkpoint. Each checkpoint introduces another condition.
It’s tempting to treat the breakup as a clean resolution. She leaves. She feels relief. She also feels lonely. The cost is practical and emotional.
What remains unclear is whether the conflict was ever truly about dance or whether dance was simply the most visible arena where expectations and autonomy collided. The answer lingers somewhere between the practice floor and the empty apartment.