Featured on @StorylineReddit: November 22, 2025
When they walked into the house and shared the news, the room went quiet.
There’s a specific kind of silence that follows good news when it lands in the wrong emotional weather. An engagement is supposed to widen the circle. It signals forward motion. But it also redraws everyday loyalties, and not everyone experiences that redraw as neutral.
Here, the proposal itself wasn’t impulsive or secretive between the couple. It was discussed, anticipated, chosen. The hesitation surfaced around disclosure who needed to know in advance, who did not, and who might try to shape the outcome. The couple opted for privacy. His family, accustomed to access, experienced that choice differently.
What unfolds isn’t an argument about love. It’s about position. About who stands where when something irreversible is announced. That question doesn’t arrive as theory. It arrives as a half-warm congratulations. A stormed exit. A comment about being “second choice.”
At the center of this conflict is not the engagement itself but the choreography around it. He anticipated pushback and limited advance disclosure. Her parents were informed because she asked for that step. His family learned in person after the trip.
That asymmetry became the fault line.
His mother expressed disappointment at not being involved. His sister immediately asked whether the other family had known first. When the answer was yes, the mood shifted. What might have been a celebratory moment became an implicit ranking exercise. No one stated a clear objection to the fiancée. Instead, the response came through tone, withdrawal, and insinuation.
In the months that followed, there was little direct engagement about the initial reaction. Contact resumed later in the form of a private message: a request to speak “just her brother,” references to “outside voices,” and a pointed reminder that he was distancing himself from “the only family you have left.”
From his perspective, this fits an older pattern boundaries tested, emotional responsibility quietly reassigned to him. From theirs, being informed last confirmed a sense of displacement. The disagreement is less about approval and more about role.
Text Version
My girlfriend (27F) and I (29M) got engaged, my family is not happy
ONGOING
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Spatium-ingeniarius
Originally posted to r/relationship_advice
My girlfriend (27F) and I (29M) got engaged, my family is not happy
Thanks to u/soayherder & u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU
Trigger Warnings: controlling behavior, familial estrangement
Mood Spoilers: frustrating
Original Post: August 6, 2025
Hey gang. I proposed to my girlfriend of over two years in Hawaii about a week ago. It was something we had thoroughly discussed and were looking forward to. I had told her parents, grandma, and best friend, as these were the people she expressed she wanted me to reach out to before I did so. As well, I told a couple of my buddies to share my excitement and pick my brain.
I was worried about sharing this with my family as they tend to be too involved in my life and relationships, and I didn’t want their opinions tainting this decision for me. My sister before our trip had a private conversation with me where she asked if I was gonna do “something stupid” in Hawaii. As a side note, she’s my older sister and has been with her boyfriend for about 4 years now.
We decided it’d be best to share the news in person when we got home, and after my mom picked us up we went to their house to see my mom, grandma, and sister. When we shared the news, we were met with silence and my mom saying she wish she knew/was involved. We got a half heated congrats and hug, and my sister asked if her family knew. I told her that my fiancé wished me to speak to her parents, then my sister made a comment about being the “second choice” and stormed off. My grandma only said she knew it was gonna happen and that’s it.
That reaction felt very hurtful, considering how they hijacked our good news for their feelings and we only got one congrats (half heartedly). My mom even made my fiancé put the ring on, and asked sarcastically what’s the plan.
I’m not sure how to approach going forward, or if they have any validity in feeling sore about any of this?
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: I feel like we need more information here. Different cultures have different norms around engagements and marriage…what are the expectations in your culture? What are their reasons for their lack of enthusiasm? Have they expressed concerns about your fiancé?
OOP: My family is Italian American, so you can imagine the stereotypes of being very controlling and involved in relationships. In my case I find that to be true, and I will say that I’ve had several conversations with my family regarding my relationships and appropriate boundaries. I’ve had disagreements with both my mom and sister regarding their comments and opinions because they’re unwanted and harmful toward my well being.
My fiancé has always been respectful to my family, has never openly expressed to them any frustrations, and continues to want to try and foster a good relationship with them. My mom and sister have both said they have no issue with her necessarily.
Commenter 2: I mean, you didn’t tell them you were planning to do it because you believed they would “taint” the decision for you. So you already knew they wouldn’t be happy about the engagement. Then when you told them they were not happy about the engagement.
It sounds like the issue isn’t their reaction to the engagement, it’s much bigger than that. It’s that they don’t approve of your fiancé.
OOP: Well, they’ve overstepped boundaries I’ve expressed before and when I’ve asked them they’ve said they have no issue with my fiancé. They’re talked to me about things they’ve seen that concerned them and I’ve found them to be out of touch (e.g. my mom thinks my fiancé rushes me out of the house when we visit even though I’ve always been the one to say we’re gonna head out).
Commenter 3: I mean you did tell her family ahead of time and waited until after to tell yours. So that is treating them different and having your family be second.
You seem to have your reasons for doing so, but even if your reasons are sound you can’t control how they react to being purposefully told after her family.
I do wonder if there’s other ways you guys have favored her family over the last 2 years that’s created the resentment your family feels. That happened with my brother’s first marriage and while my family didn’t make a fuss over it, it was annoying for them to always put her family above ours. Was glad when she left.
Going forward I think you’ll have to figure out whether you are going to treat her family different than you treat yours or try to treat them as evenly as possible. And if you’re not going to treat them equally figure out how you’re going to handle it when your family figures it out. Whether it’s being honest about things they do being the reason or just dealing with their ire.
OOP: The only reason her family knew comes from fairly traditional proposal etiquette, of asking for a blessing from her parents. I spend a lot of time deliberating and didn’t feel that it was necessary to tell my family since it’s a very personal choice and I wanted it to be a surprise. We told them the second we found it appropriate, I.e. as soon as we landed back home.
I don’t think we’ve treated my family any different, her family is very laid back and open which makes it easy to do things with them and share. When I try the same approach with mine I’m met with ire and shame, which makes it difficult. Yet we still do try and thus why I’m asking for opinions.
Commenter 4: My mom got very negative with me when I was divorcing my husband. I clearly and succinctly told her that she either starts supporting me or I would cut her off from me and my kids. It is SO IMPORTANT to start setting clear boundaries with them NOW. Nothing else will work. They will work hard to ruin this for you and your fiancée. How they’re acting is rude and selfish. Even if they feel like you’re making a mistake it’s YOUR mistake and they should support you anyway. Also, tell your mom if she wants to see future grandchildren she needs to change her attitude. People treat you the way you allow them to. Don’t let them ruin this happy time for you and your fiancée.
OOP: I’m sorry you had to deal with that. For reference, my parents are divorced and I didn’t have a relationship with my dad’s side. My grandmother and aunt did the same things to her that she and my sister are doing to my fiancé. All of that to say, I’m not interested in letting history repeat itself! Thank you so much for your words.
Update: November 5, 2025 (almost three months later)
Update: my family’s reaction to my [M29] engagement to my fiancée [F27]
Hey everyone – thanks to everyone who read and commented on my original post about my family’s reaction to my engagement.
It’s now been over three months since that happened. I wish I could say things have improved, but unfortunately, they’ve gotten worse. My fiancée and I have continued building our life together and planning our wedding, but my mom and sister have not reached out in any healthy or supportive way.
After months of silence (other than random texts not addressing the elephant in the room, and even then that was more recent), my sister finally messaged me recently. She wanted to have a conversation with “just her brother” and wouldn’t entertain a conversation to start with my fiancée included. Instead of accountability or a real attempt to make things right, she sent a guilt-filled text accusing me of “treating my family like they don’t matter,” saying I was being controlled by “outside voices,” and closing with, “how you’re treating the only family you have left.”
That last line hit hard – our uncle recently passed away, and it felt like she was weaponizing that loss to hurt me.
The message was manipulative and avoided any responsibility for the way they reacted to my engagement. I realized that responding would only pull me back into the same cycle that’s existed for years: where I’m expected to smooth things over while they refuse to reflect on their behavior. So I didn’t reply.
Even when well-meaning people (including my fiancée’s mom) suggested I might try a one-on-one talk to ease the tension, I realized that doing so right now would mean betraying my self-respect. There’s been no apology, no ownership, and no acknowledgment that the problem began when they turned my engagement announcement into something about them.
At this point, I’m maintaining silence until there’s genuine change. I’m not closing the door forever, but I’m no longer willing to carry the emotional responsibility for people who won’t meet me halfway.
Any thoughts? Advice?
Editor’s note: OOP has made the same update post onto another subreddit, I am adding relevant comments from the sub for more context on here
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: Your mom and sister are OK with you having a girlfriend, but a fiancée and wife, absolutely not. You won’t be at their beck and call anymore. They don’t see you as an autonomous human being, just someone they can control to do their bidding. They can’t comprehend that you are capable of making mature adult decisions for yourself. Any decisions you make for yourself they will see and are seeing, as someone else controlling you which is intolerable to them. They will guilt trip and blameshift and deflect to try to get you back into their controlling orbit. People like that will only change with extensive therapy. However, they have to be able to see that they are the problem, which also won’t happen.
The best thing you can do as get into therapy for yourself, and keep doing what you’re doing which is maintaining strong boundaries. You are building your own family and dynasty with your fiancé. She comes first now. Your mom, sister, and grandma become extended relatives upon your marriage.
Also don’t be surprised when mom and sis do everything they can to sabotage your wedding planning and wedding itself. Password protect every vendor you and your fiancé deal with. Don’t underestimate a narcissist. They will go to great lengths to get you back firmly under their heel.
Live your own life with the family you are creating with your fiancé.
OOP: Totally agree, and it’s those patterns that I recognize and don’t want to reinforce anymore. I want to protect my family (fiancé and I). Thank you for your thoughts!
Commenter 2: Low-contact or even no-contact sounds like the best option here. They are toxic. Gravitate toward the new family you’re building with your fiancee and, if they’re nice, your future in-laws.
DNA makes people your relatives; actions make people your family. Until your relatives actually behave like family to you, there’s no obligation on your part to set yourself on fire to keep them warm.
Did they say WHAT their objections are based on? Is it some sort of prejudice? Classism? Are they just miserable people who can’t stand to see the scapegoat happy? What’s up with these people?
OOP: Thank you! I really don’t know, and when I’ve specifically asked they say they have no issues with her. However, they have expressed things like thinking she rushes me out of the house when we visit, or that one time she bragged we were going to have prime rib at her family’s for thanksgiving, even though she didn’t prompt the conversation???
Commenter 3: Read your old post and tbh it seems you are doing the best for yourself. There was no point in telling them first, because they would have tried to stop you and maybe ruined the trip.
They know what they did and “hiding” is not the point here. Control is and they would find every other reason for control
OOP: I ended up responding to my sister, and when I brought up my concerns and boundaries she deflected and said I was being disrespectful, especially for not having a discussion beforehand. I totally agree with your assessment, as much as they move the goalposts I think they would have found something else objectionable.
Commenter 4: Check out the crab pot theory online. You might find that helpful when dealing with your family.
Congratulations on your engagement.
OOP: My parents got divorced, and my (older) sister has been with her boyfriend for five years now. I think you’re on to something! Thank you
OOP responds to a long comment regarding the cultures on the relationship and engagement and OOP’s family’s views and control
OOP: Hi there, that is a super nuanced perspective and I appreciate it! I find it genuinely important to challenge my own views, and I take that in good stride.
I totally understand that thought, and it’s something I struggled with when deciding how to go about things. One thing to note: my fiance had specific people she wanted me to tell before we got engaged. At the end of the day, this is our deal and if that’s something necessary in her eyes before she’s ready to say yes, I saw it important to respect that. My intent wasn’t to share it with everyone but my family, but to keep it to what was necessary.
As for my family, I did consider and even asked her parents their opinion. For context, not too long before I decided I wanted to propose, I had a major fight with my mom where she overstepped and asked about my then girlfriends finances, and disclosed her opinions about our relationship. As well, my sister around that time asked if I was going to “do something stupid” like propose. I didn’t feel that they were respectful of my adult autonomy, or our relationship. They were already coming at it from a negative perspective, and that’s not even accounting for these behaviors stretching years and outside the bounds of this/any relationship.
I see that this is a touchy point, and where it strikes a nerve for them. I just have a hard time understanding why their hurt trumps a beautiful, important step for us.
Commenter 5: I read through your posts and i might get downvoted for this but i think you’re in the wrong. First you told her parents, but didnt tell your own before proposal. That’s cos of your past history with them being involved, I understand that, but you HAVE to expect them to be upset with that. You showed partiality towards her family and not your own, and you expected them NOT to get upset? and now you’re upset that they’re upset? And on top of that you want your sister to apologise that she hasn’t reached out? Have you? Why do you want them to behave to a standard that you dont hold yourself up to. You may have been raised by narcissists, but you definitely became one too.
OOP: Traditionally, when you propose you ask the people the bride/other party wants you to ask beforehand. I was respecting her wishes, my intent wasn’t to tell the whole world. Further, around that time my mom and I had a fight where she asked about my then girlfriends finances/personal matters, and my sister asked if I was going to “do something stupid.” So that’s not necessarily the conditions for me wanting to share anyhow.
I don’t appreciate you calling me a narcissist, my whole life I’ve been the one to try and mend situations and “make things right” including in this case, I’ve reached out to both of them laying out healthy conditions and my concerns. I can’t make them want to engage me in a healthy way. I understand your first concerns, but at the end of the day our engagement is between and about us, and no one else. Thanks for your thoughts.
Source
He hesitated before telling them. That detail sits near the beginning and doesn’t move.
The proposal was mutual. Thought through. Not reckless. But when he imagined looping his family in beforehand, he pictured interference. Questions, commentary, pressure. So he didn’t. He followed her wishes. He kept it contained.
They land. His mother picks them up. They go to the house. He shares the news.
Silence.
His mother says she wishes she had known.
His sister asks if her family knew.
He says yes.
She calls herself the “second choice” and walks out.
No one names a concrete flaw in the relationship. No one objects to the fiancée directly. The energy changes anyway.
Midway through the story, something else becomes visible. A girlfriend exists inside the family’s evaluative field. A fiancée signals permanence. It formalizes a shift that was previously hypothetical. Influence narrows. Access changes. The timing of disclosure becomes symbolic.
Three months later, the tone tightens. His sister asks to speak to “just her brother.” She references “outside voices.” She ends with “the only family you have left.” Their uncle has recently died. The sentence carries weight without raising its volume.
There is escalation here, but it isn’t dramatic. It is incremental. The language leans on loyalty, on shared history, on implication. He reads the message. He drafts a response. He chooses silence.
What remains unsettled is not the couple’s alignment they are steady. The open question is whether his family can recalibrate their place without interpreting recalibration as rejection. For now, he holds the boundary. The door isn’t shut. It isn’t wide open either.