Featured on @StorylineReddit: November 22, 2025
Eight and a half years is long enough for habits to harden into something that feels permanent. They share an apartment, bills, inside jokes, future plans. From the outside, nothing appears stalled.
But one ritual has not happened.
For her, marriage is not about spectacle. It is about being chosen in a way that is visible and unmistakable. A moment where the relationship steps out of daily routine and says, publicly, this is ours. She has mentioned it sometimes lightly, sometimes circling it as if not to press too hard. He listens. He agrees they are good. He talks about bigger apartments and possible children.
Still, no proposal.
So the tension doesn’t rupture the relationship. It settles into smaller spaces instead anniversaries, friends’ weddings, the pause when someone hears how long they’ve been together. Nothing explosive. Just a question that keeps resurfacing, even when everything else feels steady.
This is a story about a relationship that functions well and a milestone that does not arrive on schedule. They live together, support each other, speak in long-term language. He financed part of her degree. They discuss property, children, logistics. In practical terms, their bond looks durable.
Yet the absence of a proposal becomes increasingly charged. Rather than confront it directly, she tests the subject through humor and conditional statements no property purchase while unmarried, no celebrating ten years as just boyfriend and girlfriend. He treats these moments lightly. The issue drifts rather than resolves.
Over time, repetition gives the silence weight. Social comparison sharpens it. What was once patience begins to feel like waiting without confirmation.
When she finally attempts a more direct conversation before a major trip, he initially avoids the topic. She spirals internally. He then corrects course, apologizes, and admits he has something planned. During the trip, he proposes.
The plot closes neatly. The emotional buildup that preceded it does not entirely.
Text Version
My (32F) boyfriend (36M) of 8+ years won’t marry me
CONCLUDED
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/luuakij
Originally posted to r/relationship_advice
My (32F) boyfriend (36M) of 8+ years won’t marry me
Mood Spoilers: ultimately positive
Original Post: September 10, 2025
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 8.5 years, and we’ve been living together at his apartment for 5 years. Like any long relationship, we’ve had our ups and downs, but in the last 2 years everything has been great. I know he is my person and I am his.
He’s a great guy (not just to me, but to friends, family and strangers), cares a lot about me, shows affection, communicates well, has financially supported me while I finished my degree, and we have a great time together, both on a daily life basis and on special events like travels and all.
We pretty much are already living a married life (without kids), but that alone doesn’t fulfill my dream of marriage. I want a celebration of our love, I want to share this moment with our friends and family, I want to be a bride and plan this major life event with him, and I have voiced this to him a few times.
A few years back he was unsure of our future together, but we worked on our relationship and are in a great place, so now when I talk about planning a wedding and marriage he seems to be onboard with it, at least he entertains my thoughts, but so far I haven’t seen a ring.
I’ve kind of given him two ultimatums: I won’t invest any money in buying a bigger place together if we’re not married (we’ve been cramped in his bachelor pad for the last 5 years and are getting tired of it) and I won’t celebrate double digits of being boyfriend and girlfriend, but even that seems like too long of a stretch now.
But honestly I don’t think I have the courage to walk out of an otherwise perfect relationship, so I just keep dragging this and building resentment with every anniversary, with every time I see the surprised faces of people who ask how long we’ve been dating and with every wedding of people in our circle.
I just feel stuck while everyone else around us is moving on with their lives. How do I get him to finally propose or at least admit he won’t ever do it so I can be free of these bad feelings of uncertainty?
TLDR: I’ve been with my boyfriend for 8 years, living together for 5 years, we love each other and live a happy life together. I want to move forward with our relationship and get married, but he won’t propose and I’m getting tired of waiting. How do I get out of this limbo place?
Edit for clarification and things that have come up in the comments:
I’m not from the US, so maybe it’s a wedding culture thing there, but where I’m from, we just love a good party, any party. When the reason for it is to celebrate the love and union of two people, it really brings people together in a very unique way, it always gets me emotional even as just a guest. That’s what I love about it and dream of having as a bride. There’s nothing to do with having a big fancy event to post on social media and live my Disney princess dreams. Even the ring thing, I was talking about it figuratively. It isn’t a tradition for the men to get the fiancé an engagement ring, this just got popular here recently. Usually they both get their wedding bands and wear it on the right hand till the wedding.
Legally, I’m sure there are differences between my country and the US, but marriage pretty much affects the same aspects of our lives. Even roommates have contracts, their names on a lease or something. I don’t have any legal ties to him right now. I understand some people can live together for many years without it, but for me, this is important to feel secure about our future together.
About kids: since the beginning I knew didn’t want any, and he didn’t have a strong opinion about it and was ok with anything I decided.
We still talk about having kids, to check on each other and see where we’re at on this matter. I’ve been having second thoughts, and he is still onboard if I decide I do want to. But that’s not the reason I’m upset I’m not married after 8 years together.
I haven’t asked him directly if he wants to get married and why recently, so I haven’t gotten a straight answer since a few years back when it was a no. I’ve been just casually touching on the subject to try to get a glimpse of where he’s at, and he seems positive, acknowledging that we are in a much better place now that we worked on those issues.
So after reading all the comments (that I really wasn’t expecting to get!), I realized the next logical thing is to have a direct and honest conversation with him, I just need to figure out how to approach it. We have a big trip coming up next month, so I’ll probably wait after that. Thank you all so much for your input and advice, I appreciate all perspectives!
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: Maybe you try proposing him? That way you can know he’s up for it atleast. Since you’ve constantly raised this multiple times and still no luck.
OOP: I’ve thought of this, but honestly I think I would resent him more. I don’t specifically care about gender roles in this, but being proposed to would give me the certainty that he also wants this and is not just rolling with it.
Commenter 2: Really? Why ask at all? You have your answer. He won’t do it. You’ve seen countless posts from women here who just want a self fulfilling party for themselves. Maybe he doesn’t want the wedding. He doesn’t want the expense. He doesn’t want to waste money on this event that only aggrandizes you and fulfills your dreams. What about his dreams? Maybe he dreams of never being married because marriage is just paper. You’re already in the best relationship and you’re going to ruin it because you need more. He’s happy, clearly. But you want more. It’s not enough. He’s happy, you’re not, so go find another man.
OOP: I don’t know what I said that gave you the impression that I just want this self fulfilling party, so let me clarify:
Weddings are my favorite type of event because friends and family come together to testify and celebrate a couple, not just the bride. No birthday, graduation, or any other major event in life can top that feeling and that’s what I dream of. It doesn’t matter if it’s a huge destination wedding or a small gathering in our hometown, the purpose of the event is what matters to me. It’s not a money issue.
I don’t think people in a relationship need to have the exact same dreams, but they should be supportive of each other. If he ever mentioned he dreams of never being married, I would know we’re not compatible, but that’s not the case.
I won’t even get to the “marriage is just a paper” thing because it’s not. He could walk out of our relationship today with no major implications to his life. Not so easy to do that with ‘a paper’ signed.
Commenter 3: Doesn’t seem that “communicates well” works well here for either of you.. he should be able to have a conversation with you on how he sees this long-term and you shouldn’t give him ultimatums for something like this. Did you ask him honestly what’s his view/plan?
OOP: I mean we communicate well in general.. we talk openly about our feelings, sex life, finances, relationship to others, etc. But on this specific topic I haven’t been so direct. Both “ultimatums” were said more like a joke to see his reaction, and he just played along with it.
Having conversations about long-term plans, like buying a house or having kids gives me the impression that he sees us together long enough to fulfill these plans, but we haven’t had a serious conversation about marriage in a while (2 years at least). I think I’m avoiding it because I’m afraid to pressure him, so I keep just casually/jokingly mentioning it and trying to read the signs of his responses.
Commenter 4: You don’t mention here why he doesn’t want to get married, or what he says when you bring up marriage, besides “a few years back he was unsure of our future together.” I feel like this is very relevant information.
OOP: Four years ago we were not so good but just living with it like everything was fine. Everything came spiraling down when I finally asked him about future plans for marriage, so we couldn’t just ignore it anymore and he said that he wasn’t happy with how things were between us, so he could see himself in a lifelong commitment with me. That was a really hard conversation, but we both worked to better ourselves and our relationship and are in a great place now. Since this, he has never said he doesn’t want to get married. I haven’t asked him directly like this again, but we talk about future plans like buying a bigger place together (that’s when I said I won’t buy anything while I’m legally single, and he agreed).
Commenter 5: Do you want children or just to be married? I ask only because if you want children (and he doesn’t), then it is especially unfair not to progress the relationship forward (or end it) at this point. If children aren’t a factor, then you really need to decide if a wedding is worth the relationship. You’re already essentially married, just without the legal and financial benefits.
OOP: Neither of us is set on having kids. He said he is onboard if I do want to, but so far, I don’t. I think this is why it is such a dilemma to me. It’s not like I have a biological clock ticking to justify my resentment towards not being married, so why is it such a big deal? I honestly don’t know, but my feelings about it are big, so here I am.
Update: November 3, 2025 (nearly two months later)
UPDATE: My (32F) boyfriend (36M) of 8+ years won’t marry me
Link to the original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/S8DnCLF7l6
I debated posting an update, because now that everything is resolved I feel kind of silly about posting in the first place, but maybe this can find someone in a similar situation and help.
I should add that I am an over thinker and anxious person, and this is probably why I got here in the first place. After 8+ years of relationship, I started doubting our future only because of the lack of initiative on his part, and it’s like all the algorithms decided to feed these feelings with similar stories that didn’t end well. So I started over thinking everything, and basically ignored all the signs that we were doing great, like his constant reassurance that he loved me and was happy with me, when he would look me with mesmerized eyes while just going about our daily life. I felt so loved and cared for, but the lack os a proposal had to mean something was wrong, right?
A week before our big trip, while introducing the topic of marriage, trying to start a conversation like I was advised here, he was really dismissive, trying to change subject, and that sent me spiraling down on anxious thoughts. When he realized that hurt me, he immediately back tracked, started apologizing and said that he was only avoiding the subject because he had something planned and wanted it to be a surprise.
When asked on other occasions, months before, he had confirmed his intentions of marrying me one day, but this time was different. It was enough to lift any doubt I had, and I also didn’t want to ruin any surprise so I dropped the subject.
Then, as expected, during our trip, in a beautiful place, doing what we always loved doing together these past 8 years, he proposed! It was one of those moments that I felt really seen, like everything was thought out to make me happy, without me having to ask for it. He even managed to record it in the most unsuspicious way, so I’ll always have something to remember it.
So this uptade is to say that every relationship is different and every life has a different timeline. There isn’t any amount of years that automatically tells you the other person doesn’t want to get married. Obviously I’m not saying to ignore any signs, but you have to look inside the relationship rather than compere to others and seek external validation.
Even though most comments on the original post went in a different direction, I probably wouldn’t have started that conversation with him when I did, and wouldn’t have been so relaxed during our trip when he proposed. So I appreciate you guys for that!
Relevant Comment
Commenter: This is the post I needed to read. Congrats OP, I’m in the similar position with the ‘one day’ answer and now been anxious and waiting for the moment to have the honest conversation. 99% people on here (especially in the waiting to wed thread are like ‘Red flag!!’ X years and he will never!! dump him!!’ nervous laughs so reading this is a breath of fresh air.
OOP: Looking back now, the almost 9 years of “waiting” makes a lot more sense. I’ve known for a long time that he was the person I wanted to be forever with, but life is not so simple as wanting. We’ve been through different stages of life together, he’s been by my side and supported me through it all, but only now we’re in a comfortable place that we can enjoy planning a wedding together.
Now I understand it wasn’t really a red flag, there wasn’t something wrong that I needed to fix, it was just the right timing for us.
I hope you can also relax and enjoy when your timing comes!
Source
Most of the relationship is quiet in the best way. They cook, travel, plan. He supports her through school. She describes the way he looks at her during ordinary moments—mesmerized, present. It is not a partnership lacking warmth.
And then there are the anniversaries. The weddings of friends. The surprised expression when someone hears “eight years.”
She says, half-joking, that she will not celebrate double digits as just a girlfriend. She says she will not buy property unmarried. He laughs. He doesn’t argue. He doesn’t escalate. The subject dissolves. Later it returns.
A week before their trip, she brings up marriage again. He changes the topic. The shift is small but noticeable. She goes quiet. The thoughts begin stacking eight years, avoidance, doubt. He sees her expression, pauses, apologizes, says he has something planned and wants it to be a surprise. The tone softens immediately.
What becomes clear somewhere in the middle of this cycle is that the proposal stands in for something else. Not the party. Not the dress. Initiative. She wants him to move first. To mark the relationship without prompting. The absence of that gesture begins to color everything else.
From his side, the delay traces back to an earlier period when the relationship was unstable. They repaired it. Now he speaks about houses and children as if permanence is assumed. Planning a surprise feels, to him, sufficient proof. To her, silence reads differently.
The escalation is mostly internal: an anniversary dinner, a friend’s engagement post, a dismissive topic change. No raised voices. Just interpretation gathering speed.
The proposal comes in a place they love, recorded quietly. She feels seen. The tension evaporates almost instantly.
Still, it is striking how quickly certainty can reshape a relationship that was already loving and how much space uncertainty had occupied before it was named.
