Featured on @StorylineReddit: November 15, 2025
The door came off its hinges. The wall still holds the dents where her head struck it. The next morning, she layered makeup over bruises and walked into an interview for her dream job.
This isn’t only about one violent anniversary. It’s about how two versions of the same person can exist in the same house for years without canceling each other out. A man who is attentive, involved, even tender when sober. A man who tears doors down and dangles his partner over a balcony when drunk.
Her father hears pleading through the wall and runs upstairs. Police lights fill the driveway. Child services knock later. And somewhere between the sirens and the paperwork, she finds herself grieving the family she thought she had.
That grief doesn’t neatly align with what happened. It’s there anyway.
An eight-year relationship fractures after a drunken proposal turns violent. Police intervene. He is arrested. Child services step in, imposing supervised contact and legal boundaries. For a brief stretch, there is containment.
He apologizes. He cries. He enters therapy and moderates his behavior long enough for hope to feel plausible. She returns, cautiously at first, living apart while he works on sobriety. The external crisis recedes.
Eight months later, escalation resumes. Furniture is thrown. Glass shatters. Her parents are injured. Their three-year-old is present. She ends up with glass lodged in her eye. The job is gone. Medication becomes a way to tolerate daily volatility. Friends quietly distance themselves.
This time the state presses charges. Orders of protection are sought. She leaves again, aware that separation can be the most dangerous phase. The relationship shifts from emotionally conflicted to legally disentangled, though not fully resolved. The risk does not vanish; it changes shape.
Text Version
I turned down a proposal so he tried to kill me
ONGOING
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/anzbrooke
Originally posted to r/TwoXChromosomes
I turned down a proposal so he tried to kill me
Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU
Trigger Warnings: death of loved ones, PTSD, choking, domestic assault, alcoholism, emotional abuse and manipulation, job loss, property damage
Mood Spoilers: terrifying and horrifying, but optimistic at the end
Original Post: July 4, 2024
My now ex of 8 years is locked up. He decided to propose on our 8th anniversary whilst completely blacked out drunk. I told him for the millionth time, I won’t say yes if you’re drunk. I’m scared of you drunk.
He tore my door down and grabbed me by the hair. He smacked my head into the wall so hard there are holes. He bit my thumb so hard it almost broke. I still can’t bend it. I’m bruised and sore. I don’t even remember him dangling me off the balcony, I suppose my brain blocked that part out. My dad heard the fight and my pleading and he saved me. I called 911 and it took two cops to beat him down to get him off of me.
Yesterday was my interview for my dream job. I still went, with heavy makeup. I pray they didn’t notice my injuries. DSS (CPS) (editor’s note: Department of Social Services) showed up about our son that was asleep through the assault. I’ve been named his guardian and my ex is banned from speaking to me. He may only see our son when sober and his mother present.
Without alcohol, he’s as good as gold. But he certainly tried to kill me and I can never forgive him. Today I’m not as angry, I’m simply sad that I’ve lost my family. Why would I even feel sad for that abuser? Can anyone point me in a good direction for resources? I have a victim’s advocate. I’m embarrassed, sore, angry and now sad. I do not know how to navigate this. I’ve been through hell the last 7 years and thought I had my happy ending.
Editor’s note: OOP has made many good comments, posting common questions asked and answers
Several of OOP’s Relevant Comments
OOP needs to get away from her ex for her own safety along with her son’s
OOP: I suppose this is all for the best for our son. He doesn’t deserve that at all. Nor does my daughter whose father is deceased and I share custody with her grandmother. Was your dad abusive? I swear my ex treated me like gold besides the three incidents of violence – the last one being the last straw. My children never saw this but my eldest knows about it.
Commenter 1: Be prepared to be love bombed. He will seen to return to the person you first met, and he will be very remorseful and say alcohol made him do it and he will promise to stop drinking. He will behave great around your child and act like a perfect father.
Don’t believe it. The number 1 predictor of someone being killed by a partner is a recent incident where the partner attempted to kill or inflicted severe life threatening injuries.
OOP: He choked me 7 years ago during a break up. He did exactly that and returned to substance abuse and physical abuse. He won’t trick me this time. Cops told me there won’t be fourth time – he will kill me next time he’s angry.
Commenter 2: Even if you’re letting go of a really toxic person in your life, there may still be grief. You are grieving and that’s OK. You are so strong and you have to stay that way for your child. He needs you. You have a great dad. You need to get some counseling for grief and probably PTSD. Good luck.
OOP: I had emergency counseling two days later (yesterday) and my therapist is extremely worried because I already have severe PTSD from a number of traumatic events including our first son dying (which led to his drinking) and my daughter’s father being killed in an accident. Several sexual assaults. I could go on. I do not feel human right now. I feel like a proper idiot.
OOP needs to contact organizations that provides assistance to abused women
OOP: Yes, I have a victim’s advocate and they have me connected with Safe Harbor. I do have a therapist but she’s not my favorite. She’s tough on me though and I kinda need that so even though seeing her gives me horrible anxiety and I usually sob the whole session, I need her tough love right now.
Commenter 3: Ask your victim advocate about a restraining order and getting an official custody plan and child support put in place by your local court. This man just tried to kill you. He could very well succeed next time. This isn’t a guy you can negotiate with, so you need the state to be the heavy and enforce things. Please see what your legal rights are and make sure you use them.
OOP: I’ve been through family court with my daughter. I actually know what I’m doing with that unfortunately. If I land this new job, I’ll be make to afford a good lawyer and get this taken care of properly to avoid a future battle. I’ll have to get him while he’s weak- before he has enough sober time. But no I honestly anticipate just dealing with his parents because I basically was his fucking mother for 8 years too. I control all of our accounts. He doesn’t even know how to handle his own job’s websites. I’ve done everything because otherwise he just didn’t. It’s a goddamn mess.
Commenter 4: It’s not like the movies where abusers are obviously The Bad Guy. Abusers can seem to be great, loving people a lot of the time. That’s why people stay, because they get loved (and love bombed) and treated so well that the abuse is thought to just be an aberration. “Oh he’s a great guy, he’s just an angry drunk. But he doesn’t get drunk that often! So our lives are good for the most part. Nobody’s perfect, everyone has their problems, but I can deal with him temper on occasion.”
Living with an abuser, it’s like the abusive episode just kinda … happens. It’s something that is done to both the abuser AND the abused, because the abuser is a great person, right? So they must be suffering as much as the abused, and especially afterwards when the abuser was soooo remorseful. Right?
Yep, came from a house with abusive parents. Not all of it was bad! There were plenty of great times! Which kinda fucks you up even more.
And note: he can’t blame this on the alcohol. I’ve known recovering alcoholics that KNOW they can’t drink because they become angry drunks. They know when they start drinking, they are going to do things they regret. Your husband knew what he became when he drank, and still did it.
The whole thing fucks with your head and with your kids’ heads. Yes, it’s good they didn’t see it, but they could certainly feel the emotional tenor of the house.
Contact your victim advocate and see what other resources there are available. Your advocate helps you with the court system (which is great!), but there should also be therapeutic resources available.
OOP: Jesus this just blew my mind. It made me cry, which I think is the first time I’ve cried this entire time. It made this real. I definitely feel more afraid for my kids than anything else but the severity of it really didn’t hit me until I posted this. I’ll definitely pursue this to the fullest extent possible and make sure this is all processed the correct way. I keep thinking he’ll be basically in quarantine with his parents but I need to secure my legal rights immediately. And therapy. I do go to therapy but it seems like it’ll need to be more specialized if it’s going to work.
I appreciate you and everyone else giving such in depth insight. It’s been invaluable and I’m forever grateful.
Commenter 5: You may not see this but you need to find a way to COMPLETELY cut contact. He shouldn’t be around you at all, not even to see his son.
Plenty of stories of women being killed despite being broken up because he was allowed to see his kid. I don’t know how it can be done but it’s only a matter of time before he does something.
Someone this dangerous should be nowhere near you, EVER
OOP: He got out of jail last night. He called me. He said “baby what did I do? I took one of your anxiety pills and had ten beers” I told him to not call me that. I told him DSS is involved now and I refuse to be treated this way. He sobbed and sobbed. I refused to show weakness and told him this was it.
His parents are with him and my son right now. I am obtaining an order of protection Monday. He can’t drive and needs massive surgery so he has trouble walking when sober. Does that mean he won’t retaliate? I don’t know. I’ve read a lot of studies and personal stories of ex’s killing their ex’s. He was actually locked up with a local man accused of shooting his wife in the face. I’m pretty shaken up right now. I contacted my case worker and she referred me to some different services. I’ve got a lot to think about now.
Update: October 4, 2025 (15 months later)
15 months ago my ex violently attacked me. I ignored Reddit’s advice and eventually took him back. Here’s the update.
July of 2024, my husband of nearly a decade nearly killed me while black out drunk. The comments I received from a post I made then bluntly explained what my future would be if I took him back. I am ashamed to say that I did indeed take him back but lived apart while he went through a lot of therapy for anger and alcohol. Things were decent for about 8 months but he quickly reverted back to heavy drinking and violent behavior. I felt utterly stuck. Lost my job- leaving me to depend on his income, lost my confidence, was abusing my anxiety medication just to deal with his outbursts. Many friends parted ways because they couldn’t watch my inevitable murder. I became a shell of myself.
A month ago, he lost it again and was violent (not to the extent of the first time, but still) and put our child in danger. His family called the police after he injured my parents and began to throw furniture, smash anything glass and did so in front of our 3 year old. I ended up with glass lodged in my eye but I am so very lucky to be alive. My CHILD is lucky to be okay. That is my greatest shame. But shame will only hold me back from reaching my potential as both a person and mother.
Everyone’s comments were spot on. The lovebombing, the amazing promises, seemingly changing his life for the better. But as predicted, that did not last. I am so embarrassed that I didn’t heed so many genuine warnings sooner. My therapist describes it as battered wife syndrome and for me to focus on all of the positive changes I am making for myself, my kids, and my career. In just a month, I feel like I’ve had a thousand pound brick lifted off of my shoulders. No more tiptoeing on eggshells, no more canceling plans because he’s too drunk, no more popping Xanax to stand being alive, no more terrifying rants wondering if he would snap. No more running out of money before payday because he drank and smoked it.
I am at the most dangerous part of my journey. He is realizing that I am not coming to his rescue. That I am truly done. This has caused him to really show who he was all along: a hateful, rage filled man child with the ability to cause severe harm. I think seeing my child in danger is what snapped me back to reality. I’m not fully out of danger until I move further away and get a lawyer to help me safely untangle our decade of dysfunction but I have an extremely strong support system (and two neighbors that are armed). He is not allowed near me or our son.
I’m posting this because I see a lot of women posting about their wonderful partners becoming violent for the first time and not knowing what to do. Please, please let my words (and those thoughtful folks that tried so desperately to warn me last year) alert you to the danger you are truly in. It is never just once. Women are killed every day by men like this. I do not want sympathy. I want this to serve as warning to all the lovely women (and men!) feeling stuck in an abusive situation. Don’t fall for sunk cost fallacy, or he’ll change, you can’t afford to not have that secondary income, or your situation is different. The price I paid to keep a man that only held me back was higher than words can express. I will finally be my authentic self and my children will thrive by having a happy, healthy and safe mother and environment to grow. If my confession here saves just one person from this life or potentially being hurt or killed, then the embarrassment and inevitable comments that will be negative are worth it. Be safe, be happy, and live a life worth living- not just surviving.
Editor’s note: OOP responded to many comments, posting top common responses, questions, and answers
Some Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: I am glad you were able to leave. I also went back. More than once. I honestly believe that if I’d not left the last time he’d have killed me.
You are aware you are at the most dangerous stage but please don’t underestimate this.
Be safe and please update us.
OOP: Did you have any shared children? My biggest worry is when he inevitably gets to see our son, although supervised, what if he harms him to get me back? This man is obsessed with me. It’s not love. I realize that now. I appreciate you pointing out not to underestimate this. He truly was an involved and good dad until….he was drunk and fighting with everyone around him. I cannot let my guard down by thinking of the kind of dad he was whilst sober.
Commenter 2: You have such a kind and forgiving heart.
You did everything, tried everything, put yourself back in harm to give him that chance.
And it didn’t change him.
You know that, now for sure. Sweetie? You don’t need to check again.
Please do something for us ok? Protect your kind heart. You are going to have to get a little tougher and protect your gentle kind forgiving heart!
Because it wasn’t safe with him. So save it for yourself and your child, and your family.
You ARE tough, kindness isn’t weak, it is so damn hopeful and unbreakable. You had enough to forgive him once, so you can give yourself some forgiveness now.
You got this. Please stay safe for your child, for YOU, for the FUTURE YOU DESERVE!!
OOP: Oh this hit me hard. I truly poured my soul into this relationship. Went against all instincts because I thought we could be happy. I thought I could lead him to success and happiness. I’ve never been one to heed warnings. Expensive lessons have been learned. It’s not really about me anymore, it’s about protecting my eldest (her father died) and our shared child. Thank you
How is OOP’s eye?
OOP: I work as an optometric technician and licensed optician so luckily I had the best care possible. My eye healed completely with no scar tissue! Thank you for asking!
Commenter 3: I remember your other post. I’m so glad you and your child are safe and away now.
This is a good example of why every single child should be taught they should never ever go back to an abuser.
OOP: I hope I can use my stories to inspire people to make better decisions. My life has had so much tragedy it doesn’t seem real. I know I can make something of it all though. During my last post, I was soooo upset. This time, I was utterly numb and done. The scary part is that he’s baffled that I’m not helping get him a lawyer or get his unemployment set up, etc. I was told not to block him to keep an eye out for threats to report to police. His trial is late next month on felony domestic violence and resisting arrest.
OOP on having conversations with the cops and getting therapy for her son
OOP: I had two cops come by and sit me down last year and explain that they knew how this would end if I went back. They were soooo kind too…they said I was like 700% more likely to be murdered than the average partner and asked me to think of my kids. This time, the victim’s advocate basically said they knew my case (his 3rd charge) and I needed to choose my life and my son because they knew where this was headed. I didn’t even press charges, the state forced me. It was a horrible wake up call. Like why did I give him another chance?!
My son is showing some serious signs. I’m in therapy but I’m trying to get Medicaid to get my son help. That’s a long ass story but the latest will be January. I’m glad you got away and thank you for sharing with me. It truly helps.
Commenter 4: So twice now he’s not in jail for ?
OOP: He got bailed out by his mom in an attempt to save his career. She regrets it. He lost his job anyway and was drinking as soon as he got out. He didn’t bother trying to mask anything this time.
Source
The phone call after his release is small, almost mundane. “Baby, what did I do? I took one of your anxiety pills and had ten beers.” His parents are there. He is sobbing. She tells him not to call her that.
There’s no dramatic speech. Just tone, language, familiarity trying to reassert itself.
Early on, she names a contradiction without trying to solve it: sober, he is good. Drunk, he is dangerous. The mind doesn’t discard either version. It keeps both. That duality sits in the background while legal steps are taken, while protective orders are discussed, while custody logistics are mapped out.
Then escalation returns, and it does so physically. Furniture thrown. Glass smashed. Her parents hurt. A child in the room. Glass in her eye. The details accumulate before any larger meaning is attached to them.
For a time, she attempts management rather than departure therapy for him, space between homes, financial control, careful negotiation. He performs remorse convincingly. Promises stretch just far enough. Then drinking resumes. Her job disappears. Medication increases. Friends stop watching.
The decisive shift arrives late and without flourish: seeing her child in danger snaps something into place. Not anger clarity. The internal argument quiets. The focus narrows to logistics: lawyers, relocation, neighbors who are armed, court dates circled on a calendar.
He remains bewildered that she will not help him this time.
She describes feeling lighter and, almost simultaneously, numb. Orders are in place. Distance exists. Safety is not absolute. And somewhere behind the court filings and practical steps, there is still the outline of the life she once believed she was building.